Wednesday, December 15, 2010

New ringtone for work calls

WTF is this.... I don't know if this is real or not but who gives a rat's ass... it will emancipate you from the bonds of a shitty day, and make you laugh for at least the next 100 years....

However, it did make my conscience play a torturous game of North and South over whether I should laugh or not.

Technically, I don't know if the Parthenon was built by slaves, or the pyramids, or America for that matter.... However, if we look at what this culture's major contribution has been to American society, We've got Hip hop, Jazz, and Blues.....
So I think they will be very appreciative and find it very fitting, that we finally make reparations with a song...
Raw deal?.... O.k., we'll throw in a president.

Look at it this way, at least you're not a fucking slave.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Charitable Heartbreak

"Sometimes it's hard to go on and keep those smiles?"
Something tells me this bouncing little butterball is really heartbroken over his dad. In fact they all look incredibely and hopelessly "lost in the grief".

How fitting is it that WalMart is sponsoring this festive little charity project. I'm sure that coerces a big boned smile from their swollen grief stricken faces.

Do we really need to be giving this family food for the holidays?  Just a guess, but it looks like they had a hell of a thanksgiving feast.... Are those f*cking cookie tins? Really? Cookies and Video games?.. I love that the girl just lost her dad and the only tears I see, are the tears of joy as she holds a can full of soft batch hand picked pasteries.
How about a fucking treadmill..... Gym pass.... some dance lessons....  some Crystal Meth?
You know, a little amphetamine addiction might not only help them drop a few hundred pounds but it might also help them cope with the incredibly inconsolable sadness of losing their father...Three husky birds with one rock... or stoned.

Instead, I love that we are feeding this butter bird family of stuffed turkeys with the very addiction that is going to finally choke off their mother's aorta 3 weeks into January, and leave them as fucking orphans. I guess it's only fitting that this generous publicity stunt is named, "getting to the heart of Christmas". Marketing genius.. Great idea Walmart..... Let me thank you in advance for leaving me, and the rest of America, to pick up the burdening years of premium healthcare costs, and PTSD therapy that your fucking gold star family will require for the next 30+ years.

I can't wait for the ultimate slap in the face when a big pine box, draped in a flag and the words "Cpt. Kasey Roberts" on it arrives at the house....and our burly little ballerina dances passed it and amorously hugs the pallette box next to it, just dropped off by Walmart, wrapped in celophane and that says,"Jimmy Dean"....

Merry F*cking Christmas.... sausage lovers.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Sometimes it is just too easy

A while ago I posted a link for anyone looking for something to fill some time in a long day. Today is the same concept... Here is a screenshot example from a time killing personal favorite, that is always guaranteed fun... If you're ever needing a devious laugh and feel like your going to hell anyway... give it a try. It's kind of like fishing with dynamite... a bit unfair, but still funny as hell.

click pic to enlarge

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hands up, who's crazy

At exactly what point in life do you realize you are genetically destined to be a f*cking hand model?  It's got to be fairly early, at least in this case, because it came at the cost of developing any social skills and has retarded all awareness of the world around her... leaving this mess looking like a remedial 2 month old that is just discovering her hands again every 30 seconds.

A+ to the news producer who brought this crazy bitch in for the eye to eye interview... It's too bad her eyes never see the f*cking camera... She might not be looking but we all giggled watching her play an erotically orgasmic game of air cat's cradle... I've never seen a girl more into a set of fingers, it's like a lesbian watching porn.

Seriously, put your f*cking hands down...  Your hands don't "emanate and radiate good health and care" just because you've got them stuffed in a pair of gloves or your crotch all day...  I knew a boy who lived in a bubble once and he was definitely not a goddamn picture of health....
Exactly who does do the mondaine things in this girls life? Because the mondain things for her might be a nightmare for me... The shit goes both ways, Susan... Here's an example... for me, wiping my ass is extremely mondaine.... but because this mondaine task is a complete nightmare for you, your poor personal hygine also becomes a tragically disgusting nightmare for me... While you think your fantastically fickle phalanges express a healthy glow, your personality and shitty situation radiates compulsively neurotic sickness...

Here's another one that is going to break your heart.. unless you have just pulled them out of a vat of paint, basically everyone's hands are a neutral tone.

It's true Ellen, I am in awe. Not because you can make a living off of 5 inches. Believe me, I know a lot of guys back in college who made a full time living on much less... Old news... I'm in awe because someone has let you get away with no cooking, no cleaning, no opening cans or doors.... It's kind of ironic that everyone wants to take our subpar meager little hands and bitchslap you right in your finger fetish f*cking smile. We are not falling for it.

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say, there is definitely no man in your life....and no, it is not because of your overly selfish and lazy demeanor. It's your face... or your greasy wet look perm... but this Laura Ingalls Wilder act you've going isn't doing shit for your situation. Perhaps you should take a few minutes away from your hands and spend sometime on your fucking grill, it's about as repulsive as your personality. Thank god your a hand model.

May i suggest that it is about time you discovered another body part?.... It's called a vagina. Just a guess but when you figure out what it is, you may just forget about those fingers all together... at least 8 or 9 of them.

Baby steps..... If we work on this a bit who knows, you may find some guy who would be fine with opening your cans, turning your pages, and wiping your ass..... After all, it could be a dream come true for him... think about it... He would never have to talk to you... He could always be the one to work the remote... He could take your hard earned cash every time in cards because you always believe you have the best hand... And you are definitely the only girl who could have a multiple old faithful doublebarrel squirtfest just by watching yourself give a hand job.

Monday, November 29, 2010

My American Dancing Rock Band Idol

O.k.. He doesn't look like much of a sports fan or Bon Jovi fan..... So I'm guessing after watching her son spent two straight months in the basement playing video games, she finally took the company Celtic's tickets as a last ditch effort to get this recluse little wallflower out of the house.
You know when you first see him there is no interest in basketball, or social interaction period... He is day dreaming of casting spells and shit.... And then it hits him... You can physically see his brain recognize that after spending countless solitary hours playing rock band solos, this is the moment he has been dreaming up in his head for years....  Always accused by his mom of never taking initiative, and never applying himself, this kid just grabbed the bull by the horns, stuck his tongue down it's throat, and made that arena his bitch....
I'm glad she had a front row seat.....

Seriously could not get any better. Well, unless he snatched one of those frazzled females for a brief makeout, drank her beer, then dropped her on the fatty in row 9, who is just pissed his tuba career is over, and never turned out this well.

Good for this kid.... and good for his mom..... and good luck to his mom getting him out of the basement, with that "video games are colossal waste of time and will never get you anywhere" speech ever again.... Ever.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Like f*cking clockwork.....

Anyone who has read my past posts should know how I feel about Samurai swords, and the people who own them.... If not, here is a Math lesson

I've included the following article from today's news.... and you do the F*cking math.

Living with Mom.... Check
36" Katana.....Check
I bet this f*cker was wearing jean shorts when the police found him.

It is Universal Law..... Proof is in the pumpkin f*cking pudding... Happy Thanksgiving mom!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'm gonna need that pancake recipe

While not tied to any political party, sometimes I watch, or read things concerning the economic and political turmoil in Washington today... I, like most Americans, often wonder, "how the hell did this guy get elected?"...... Or, "who was it that voted for these people?".

And then I see things like this.....

As you may know from past posts I have a weakness for fine art...  a connoisseur of sorts... here are a few samples from the astounding artist Dan Lacey who calls himself  "The painter of pancakes".... Sounds fucked up?........ You're right.

Whatever this guy is eating, or smoking... I'm sure it is medicinal... and I want the recipe.

Click the here to see more

Because who hasn't dreamed of a hot oil rub from a horned democrat gay steed?... Especially while sipping a blended drink from a coconut, on the beaches of an active volcano. If you say not me, you probably don't believe in socialized medicine either.. HaHaHa

Is that a black man riding a Confederate horse? or does American Airlines really have pilot uniforms for Unicorns? and Why the hell would a nuclear fallout destroy clothes for all humans, but not for 4 legged galloping mythological mustangs?

Unicorn vs. Moose.... great.....  but, what the fuck is up with that Alaskan vagina?

Although incredibly savvy when it comes to politics and flat breads, Dan does not limit himself as an artist or person. He takes on other controversial subjects such as religion and current pop culture....

That's weird! I too like to picture Jesus wearing a sequin glove, resurrecting a black Michael Jackson.

Fucking Awesome!

Monday, November 22, 2010

I picture Lord baby Jesus wearing an Old Navy Pullover

Is it just me or does anyone else want to punch this kid square in his growing little freckled nose? Sorry Burpo, but even if I thought your story was even remotely true, I would still tell you to f*ck off just because of your irritatingly pretentious personality... Colton fucking Burpo??? Seriously. Wasn't this kid just on TV, taking a ride in a balloon?

Look, I'm not in the business of calling little kids liars, but this kid is a fucking fraud half full of dog shit.... And his parents are full of holy shit as well... Now, Todd... I appreciate all of the countless hours you and the little Re-Todd spent rehearsing, but those ambigiously detailed descriptions are a little bit suspect. Not to mention the fact that your 4 year old just wrote a f*cking book, when he can't even read the cue cards his mom is holding up over there.... Somewhere between the sea blue eyes, world lighting smile, and colossally large hands, you lost me....

I'm not sure who is taking advantage of who here... Is it the boy, who has figured out that using the phrase, "I saw Jesus" and a short story, can get him out of any trouble with his miracle seeking parents?.....  Is it the parents who have discovered the miracle that using the phrase, "I saw Jesus"... sells fucking books?...... Or, is it the news producer that who knows that the phrase,"I saw Jesus".. makes for incredibly amusing news material, and the paradisaical joke is on us?

While I do appreciate the sell job from the overly intrigued news caster, I just don't think she is really THAT excited about Jesus.. So, I'd probably vote for this enterprising father for "dad of the year".... Think about it. If I had a smug little shit of a son, who thought he could have me in his back pocket by feeding me full of inspirational bullshit. I too would play his little game and do exactly what Todd did....
First, I would take him somewhere really special, like Old Navy, and get some classy new quarter zip pullovers. Then, I'd schedule an urgent breaking news spot for us to make a national television debut. Together, unified in fleece, that little f*cker could ruin his own adolesence by telling the whole world how he had angels sing to him as he talked with a dead baby fetus, played catch with young grandpa, and took a unicorn ride with Hitler.

Good for daddy... This parapsychological patriarch, however, took it a step further, and when his wife was so gullibley awe struck at her priggish little miracle, he had her, under the creative direction of her 4 year old, write a future best seller.... Then got a free sales pitch on public television.

Truly inspired... Even St. John the baptist would put his hand up to the square, for a high five on that one...

Look, Todd..... I wouldn't want to hear this story if you told it to me for FREE at some holiday party this week.... The fact that you want $19.99 for some half cocked horseshit your son came up with, to get out of being disciplined, is degrading.... But something tells me, There are enough people down on their luck, or who will pay their last $20, grasping for some brief reassurance, only given to them by a fictional story of a 4 year old playing red rover with Michael Jackson and the son of god...
Great f*cking plan, and I'm sure you will be chuckling all the way to the bank.

Looks like Todd got the last laugh.... Or did he?...

Here's where the story gets really F'd up.... you know, when this dad is on his deathbed, his then grown, swarthy little son, Colton, will finally get his revenge for this childhood destroying news story. When he gets really close to Todd's frail ear and revealingly whispers his long held secret,"Yaaaa, you know that whole heaven is for real thing I told you about?... I was just fucking with ya."

Hey Burpo... You and your boy are both still very sick.... I think you both are ReTodds.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I believe it's called a mash up...

O.K. so I am an asshole, we've established that... Here is a tragic, tragic story which for some reason is made incredibly entertaining by the frantic 911 call.... These consistently have me on the edge of my seat... I always wish I could see what is really going on when the horribly terrified individual is panicking on the phone and making absolutely no sense....
So, as a sort of experiment, I grabbed another serious and disturbing current event video, that could aid me in visualizing what is actually taking place on the victim's side of the phone line.

The hypothesis follows the same mathematical law of, 2 negatives equal a positive, or 2 wrongs make a right... If this is true, then i believe these 2 catastrophic events, when combined, will have you exchanging tears of sadness for tears of devious laughter, and for a brief second entertained.... At least until your conscience kicks in... Please participate at your own risk.

Step 1: Before playing the videos, turn the volume up on the top video
Step 2: Turn the volume off, or down, on the bottom video
Step 3: Push play on both videos
Step 4: Watch the bottom video
Step 5: Try not to wet yourself with utter enjoyment and asshole.

Ok...ok... you pricks. These videos are not at all related, but each one is shockingly entertaining, and should probably be viewed seperately (with sound)... but you got to admit, it looks awfully close to a feces and food fling feista at the local zoo.... or Denny's.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sequinthhs in Seattle

Some people make things so much harder than they need to be.. For instance... You know with all the cloudy doom and rainy weather, Seattle is the suicide capital of the U.S..... Why would you add, being a inconsequential spot journalist, doing a story on a sale, at a thrift store....
And not even a good one... Quick... If you are such a talented eyewitness, with an exquisite eye for documenting detail, I want you to quickly tell me exactly how many bracelets this dude was wearing??? Seriousthhhhly.

The way I see it, the frumpy gap toothed beat reporter had it coming.... Here she is, asking painfully obvious questions and shoving a microphone in the willing mouth of an overstimulated sparkle queen, at the check stand of a "designer" sale.... Am I the only one who sees this as a recipe for disaster... I do know it's about time one of these benign, time waste stories climbed up and bit someone in the ass.... Who knew it would be from the snaggled overbite of this unibrowed Scary Bradshaw...

I don't have a communications degree... but here's some journalism for you. Let's step up the questions .... Need I suggest a few that could be quickly answered by this video spot:
What does a gay recession look like?
What the hell is a 32 year old gay man doing dressed as a 14 year old Bosnian rec league basketball player?
What would happen if Ross the intern and Perez Hilton had a love child?

While the newscaster didn't impress me. The truth is Mr. Sparkle's lispy reply will be stuck in my head all day... I'm no TV producer, but I play one on my blog from time to time... If you know this dude, have him give me a call.  It just so happens that I heard of an opening which I think would be right up this guys alley (not like that)... It involves performance, countless costumes, lots of smiles, a few sequins.... and I know he will like this.... Plenty of ass... only problem is, he might have to clean up the language for the audience.  I Think it's the perfect fit, given his extremely animated nature..

Sorry news team... I think the more tragic story for today in the Northwest would be, "If you are a gay man in Seattle... it's time to move".... However, I've got a terrific idea for a follow up story... How about in 2 weeks we find our fabulously flamboyant fruitbasket and see how excited he is, after he tries to get semen out of all those fucking Theeequinths.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Man says he was forced to eat beard

You know this shit is going to be good as soon as you see this oversized fifth grader's head squeezed into that tiny hat adorned with a confederate stripper... Truly southern style....."When I get thur, I realize they is already drunk"...... Is anyone in Kentucky not drunk? I'm pretty sure that 85% of the commonwealth residents have a homemade backwoods whiskey still bubbling high octane moonshine straight into an IV...

Seriously, a $20 lawn mower? Who is the dipshit here?.... The two ton savvy shopper that ate his own beard? The dumbasses that thought pulling a gun on a 400lb. legally blind walrus, and feeding him his own facial hair was some sort of punishment?.... or once again a pathetic team of news reporters, who put a $20 lawnmower as their breaking prime time story?... Especially when this shit happened in May of last year.

I don't know which part made me laugh harder, when the 'big boned bluegrasser' descriptively explains, with precise detail, exactly what happened, "One thing led to another... Before I Know'd it, there were Knaaves and guuuns, erythang just went haywire."........or the look on his face as he explains the horrible torture he experienced, "They cut my beard and forced me..... to eat it. "....  I could listen to that shit all day.

How the hell does he say that with a straight face? and, Why is it so funny to here him describe eating something? If you wanted to terrify this dude, take his lawnmower and tell him he has to run the 3 miles to your house to come and get it.... Tell him the Popeye's chicken next to the Gas 'n Go burned down.... but don't tell this f*cker he has to eat something... Just throwing it out there, but I'm guessing that husky Harvey has eaten things 10x's more terrifying than his own fucking beard.

Everyone involved in this story deserves a backwards, sister lovin, red-neck slap on the ass..... But if you really wanted to see all of them torturously shit down both legs before they'all know'd it..... Tell them Kentucky was in fact, NOT a confederate state, but a border state, and never left the union...
Northern Style. Bitch.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday motivation

Right from the incredibly descriptive title and heart felt message, this one has been pulling at my heart strings all morning...

Let me tell you a few things Alexis... Your dad named you "Alex" as a compromise... For 9 long months he waited with his fingers crossed for an genetically gifted, athletic, super sperm of a boy, to redeem him from the torment of his 24 year lack of athletic accomplishments... While he may have been forced to give in on your gender.. You are forever destined to shitty tag lines, adrenaline rousing pep talks, and inspirational films like his latest gutsy masterpiece, "Alexis courage."
This brings up our next point.... Courage?....Sounds like a bold compliment given to a awe inspiring performance... Courageous?... Really? I know your dad always says, "Always give 110%".... and I don't even have to explain how that is physiologically and mathematically impossible. However, the way I see it, there were 10 hurdles, you made it over 3.... tragically tripped over 5.... slightly tapped another.... and said fuck off to the one in the middle... Do we really have to do the math, to know that someone didn't give it 100%?.... Since your father was so consumed by tearfully watching his Olympic spotlight dreams slip away with your knock out performance, let me be the asshole to point out a few important details..... First, you never even finished the race..... you missed a fucking hurdle. Shouldn't a courageous achievement maybe involve finishing the race?  How the hell do you "courageously" run AROUND a hurdle, voluntarily?... Isn't that the GD point of the event? I'm no track and field expert but I think you are pretty much disqualified at that point.

Listen up Flo Jo... Here is the biggest tip of your young athletic career..... Anytime the word Courage is used after a Jr. High sporting event, it is NOT a good sign... Sure it's soothing, but let me translate what your parents really mean:

"We don't know what else to say to you because we are utterly agape, and dumbfounded, at how embarrassingly inept you just looked. Just like every one of the 23 other people at the track meet, we never, ever, want to witness another astonishingly miserable performance like the baby calf disaster in lane #1. We are just afraid that if we tell you the truth, you will destructively shrivel into a socially retarded stage crew groupy. Who will fall for the first guy in a trench coat, that pays you the slightest bit of attention. It's only because he needs a get-away driver as the final piece in his master plan to turn the middle school into a shooting gallery. After countless hours and thousands of dollars in therapy and antidepressants, you will end up living in our basement with a herd of fucked up looking cats. Only leaving the house twice a year for a Renaissance festival at the local park. Just counting the days until we die, so you and your feline followers can spend what remains of our meager family fortune on hot pockets and fancy feast. Gradually you will fill our house with feces covered news papers, half open cans and moldy pizza boxes until you are confined to one room that smells like cat urine mixed with what ever the fuck that smell is trapped under the second flesh roll above your knee. Forever destined to swell bigger and bigger, until the bedsheets you cried yourself to sleep in as an awkwardly galloping teen don't fit anymore as an improvised skirt, and the only exercise you get is swatting the flies that are collecting in your bed sores..."

....Come to think of it, maybe it is just easier to say, "Alexis Courage".

Sometimes failure is fatal... And the courage to continue actually doesn't mean shit.... Ask your dad how these sayings have worked out for him... Here he is, in his track suit, part timing junior high school highlight videos on his home computer, inserting floating text of stale inspirational bread crumbs and the same music track that he chose 20+ years ago for his incredible football highlight tape...

Ironically, maybe daddy is the one who needs a little courage.... and valiantly come to grips with the reality that there is no amount of annoyingly inspirational phrases and shitty late 80's rock music that can make up for sub par genetic contributions and lack of overall talent... Sometimes you just need to know when to let go.... Although you are a Dick, and probably named Rick.... You are not "Team Hoyt"...Quit the f*cking race. Time to move on.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Miracle my lucky ass.

Check out the headline of this touching story I read today on the UK's Telegraph newspaper site....

"US housewife has children on 10.10.10, 09.09.09 and 08.08.08"

A Michigan housewife is celebrating the birth of her daughter Cearra on 10.10.10.

'Despite the neat pattern of their children's birthdays, the Sopers insist it was not planned. It follows the birth of her son on 09.09.09 and her other daughter on 08.08.08, at the odds of 50 million to one. Barbara Soper, 36, said: 'She's our own little miracle.'"

'Mother Barbara Soper, 36, described Cearra as a ‘little miracle’, adding: ‘Chloe is lucky number eight, Cameron is lucky number nine and she is our lucky number ten.’

Enough of this lucky miracle bullshit....  Barbara, you've got me little confused... What the fuck is so lucky about the number 8?..... There is nothing miraculous about the number 9...... and let's have a closer look at your "50 million to one" gushing miracle of a baby, lucky #10.

First of all, that little girl is NOT lucky... You named her f*cking Cearra. Do you even know what the first day of school is going to be like for the first 18 years of that unlucky little miracle's existence?.... " with a capital C, and an E... no I's... an A... double R and just an A.... you know, like that singer, but with a totally fucked up, uber edgy spelling." ........ Cearra, UhhhhhHuuuhhhHHH.

One thing for sure, she'll be a helluva "speller". Hopefully, this will compensate for her below average math skills.... Let's take a look at what you are teaching your little "50mil" right from the gate... 50 million to one? really? How do the odds makers account for the fact that you scheduled an induction nearly a full month before your little miracle's actual due date?

'Soper says she and her husband had thought it would be "neat" if their third child was born on 10-10-10 but because her due date wasn't until Nov. 4, it seemed unlikely'.....

'....The induction was begun on 10-9-10, but it wasn't until 6:53 on Sunday night, 10-10-10, that Cearra Nicole Soper arrived. Despite being three weeks early, "she's feeding well," says mom. "She's a trooper."

I don't know about you, but when it comes to voluntarily inducing a birth with medicine, it tends to take all of the fun out of the miracle, for me.... Unless that obstetrician made that Pitocin out of wine, or the water he just manually broke, I don't see the f*cking miracle.

Ok...ok... Maybe that's a little harsh. I guess we could all look past this, and just call it perhaps a little selfish... but after I learned that your second baby was also strategically robbed from the womb dangerously early, you just went from a bit selfish to a maternally greedy attention whore.... Do we really need to revisit the newspaper quote about 'the Sopers insist this was not planned'? I hear what your saying.... It just sounds more like someone is using some embellished numbers and a scientifically engineered miracle, to pull a few heart strings in hopes of a dream shot at a sappy spotlight show on TLC. Sorry, but "Barbara and Chad plus 8,..9,..&10" doesn't add up... Not the same ring to it.... Maybe it's the math... or the task of rhyming anything with fucking Barbara.

Sorry to kill a dream... But, Personally I think the fuzzy math and the general lack of interest shoots the TV show option down. Unless there is some kind of twist.... I'm no TV producer but I'm just going to throw this one out there.... I thought of the uncanny resemblance when I first saw your pic, but brushed it off as fantasy.... Well, until I read your story...

Gotta say, it's catchy, universal, and could explain a lot of questionable time lines. Well, that, and it is probably more believable than your "miracle".

Here is some math that might work... The gestation rate of a wookie is only 30 weeks... or 210 days.... Why would I know that? Because I googled it, and somewhere out there exists someone who is just as pathetically crazy as you are, and knows the full term pregnancy schedule of a exogalactic biped mammal.

I know you love numbers, so pay attention to those.... The shorter pregnancy stats will definitely come in handy if the auditor comes knocking, and asks why you, and your "responsible" healthprovider, fraudulently gambled a precarious induction and 50 million to one odds.... at the risk of over $500,000.00, (or roughly the cost it would take to hold your baby in the ICU for damn near a month) just so you could have your F'n miracle... Smells like insurance fraud to me... or the matted dred on the balmy crotch of a 7' pregnant space monkey..... I imagine they both smell about the same.

The good news is, I believe your situation would be covered under the new Obama healthcare reform.... And who can get mad at the universal love story of an undocumented alien, living in this country, without a job, without insurance, on Medicaid, and who just hung the tax paying American public out to pick up the check for their 3rd baby... Finally a TV show this country can relate to...I think we are onto something.

You might say,"That is ridiculous! Wookies don't even exist in this world!".....
Let me tell you something else that can't exist.... A Vagina, after 3 kids in 26 months. So, while your story might be touching as somewhat of a pseudo unique situation.... We are all grossed out and convinced that the true miracle is that your husband is still willing to have sex with you. Even when it feels just like he is sticking his dick in his f*cking baseball hat.... Go Tigers.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

WTF should I do today?

Ever have one of those days?..... Ya, me neither.

But if I did have a day when I didn't have the foggiest flying f*ck of an idea of what I was going to do, I would probably visit this website. It is an abundance of exquisitely ingenious suggestions regarding things that could tactfully fill your time.
In fact..... this is probably WTF you should do today.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Racist apple pricks

Kudos to Apple for coming up with countless cutting edge applications for today's melting pot of global human ideas... However I think they may have overlooked something.. or are they trying to just have a good laugh at the expense of the dialectically challenged consumer?

Here is an example of the cold hearted humor of the Macintosh programmers... She was just a hard working foreigner who had the good idea of multitasking a heart felt advice chat while finishing up the clear coat on the last "mani-pedi" session of the day.... The bad idea was trying to use the hands free voice recognition option of a bigoted Apple product.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Mmmmm crabmeat

God bless Craigslist. Not only a useful tool for the everyday person... but it has provided an window into worlds I never would have guessed existed, nor could I even imagine... All of this, of course, provides the rest of the world with an endless cache of priceless entertainment.
Seriously, who could even make shit like this up?...

At first I saw the post and was a bit confused.... Is this guy's name Jo? Is "Jo on rails" a cool engineering nickname he gave himself?.. At first when I read the line about coming over and "Jo" in his model train room I thought it was just a poorly misplaced typo..... It was at that point I realized 2 things:
1-There is something to this "jo" expression, and
2- I was naively behind the times when it came to contemporary pornographic acronyms. The dude is probably named something more like "J"ACK... and this M*therf*cker is definitely "O"FF the rails.

Gotta hand it to the guy.... sorry...Ahhh.... gotta give this guy credit. He's ambitious, open minded, and definitely knows exactly what he likes...

Seriously, what series of tragic ingredients where all mixed together to make this guys fucked up soup d'jour?... This is either the most arbitrary mix of fetish seeking ideas, or Jack is some sort of fucking precision savant who could re site the phone book, but needs a HO scaled locomotive engine playing a game of "I think I can" up his rectum to get him started.

If I had to guess, I'd say ol' Jack isn't the laser focused type. I think he's got more of a shotgun approach to life. What makes me say that Jo Jack is grasping at proverbial straws?....
Let's look at a few of the cryptic clues: Maybe it's the confusion about having a homoerotic Godzilla blow his hot oversized lizard load all over the poor kids train set without hurting it..... Maybe it's the fact that Jack tends to aimlessly buy extraneous quantities of seafood without discretion.... The fact that Jack has sons in the first place, and is STILL asking some 70 year old male to come over for some mutual touching, role play, and quick game of rub and tug all over last year's Christmas gift, suggests that Jack is a bit complicated.

Let me help out and bring a little focus to the situation...
New flash Jack.... You're fucking gay... Maybe not gay in a "rainbow scarf and David Archuletta" kind of way, but more of a "I want to fondle a wrinkly set of hairy balls, with my face" sort of way... Look, I love the fact that you're a man with standards, but I think it may be time to come to grips with it. I really appreciate the invitation....You are one generous son of a bitch, and the truth is, you almost had me at "imitation crab meat"... But the image of being all alone in a house with you, when you just made room in the freezer really freaks me out.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I'm f*cking pumped

Am I pumped? F*ck yeah I'm pumped.
I'm not sure what it is about little people, a web cam and pop music, but it is an incredible mix that never disappoints..... Ever.

Lil' Sean really does take it to the next level... When he utters the words "dance party".... I would bet money the next word in your head sounded like,"YYYYEEEEEEEESSSS!"... maybe even, "HELL YEEEESSS!"
That's how it went for me too... The next thing through my head was the question, "doesn't a party generally involve more than one person, let alone half a person?"

As soon as those shoulders started moving I was hooked and about lost my mind when those arms started going into a "Kahuna double wave special".
Double wave??? Yeah, it's what they call it when your arms are bent back and forth in three different places and then you do the popular 80's dance move "the wave". Seriously, after seeing a waveset of that frequency, I thought the tide was coming in. I kept looking for some strings coming off of those arms because I felt like I was watching a really good puppet show.... either that, or an baby orangutan, every time he pulled off that clap move.... Awesome.

I know he said 3x's a day I need to get my "move on". Homework completed!..  I already watched mini marionette man hit that epileptic freak out to the chorus about 3x's..... and watching Lil'Sean's face as those figurine arms battle the beat, never gets old.
I got to say, he really gets those shoulders and arms moving.... So isn't it about time he starts moving those legs?

Sean..... Sean...... C'mon now. Damn it... Look, you said YOU would laugh at it yourself. Life is too short.... Ahhh, or brief..... "Life is too brief to get all serious and not have a good time."

Look, he said it. Not me

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Fine Art

I guess the good thing about having a blog is that every now and then you get some random visitors. Sometimes I wonder, who are these people and what similar interests do we have that would make them want to visit me?....  Question answered.

I present to you.... Aubrey Hope Photography... I claim no rights to these photos, and it looks like poor Michael should have done the same. It is definitely worth your time to click on the link. I only posted a couple fav's, but there are a bunch more of these dazzling doosies... I could spend an hour going over every perplexingly priceless detail in each photo, and trying to convince myself that this is truly not a joke.
With impeccable ideas and a strong artistic eye, it's hard to believe Aubrey is looking for work.... pure fucking gold.

I always love when people add sepia tone to their pictures as if it magically makes them fine art... This is classic proof that adding sepia to a stupid f*cking picture makes it a stupid f*cking picture with bad color........  and horrible taste.

Abstract, edgy, and risque..... you f*cking nailed it.
Look at Michael almost boastfully laughing at us...What's it gonna be?.... the fire arm or the physique, bitch? From any angle, he's definitely got this shit on lockdown... I'm sure every female reader is just dripping with moist admiration and envy... Hell, I might be a little tingly myself.... If I could just get over my sudden overwhelming sense of inadequacy.

Kudos to muscleupslc.blogspot

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What do you say?

I'm lost.... What the hell do you say when your kid comes through the door with this? Well, I do know the first thing that would come out of my mouth,  "J...E...S...U...S...C...H...R.........???"

Hell, I wouldn't even know what I'm referring to.... Is it the miraculous detail of the air-filled crucifix which my daughter has spent 16 hours hours of her teenage life making? or, is it the fact that my daughter spent 16 hours solitarily making an ecclesiastical zeppelin, and is now taking it on it's maiden voyage around my living room?

How can you fault the girl? On the subject of good and bad, technically it's a good idea... Just really strange.. How can you tell this angel she will never be successful?... It's obvious she has more passion than Mel Gibson, busier fingers than Ellen Degeneres, and spends more time on her knees than David Copperfield....  It's great to have hero's... and it looks like she didn't f*ck around and went straight to the top... How do you try to explain that this is all just going to lead down a familiar path with her being crucified by her friends?.. Especially when you're the one that named her Christi.

OK... God bless this girl. I'm sure she is going to be a dream to raise, and a saint of a sister... However, Best case scenario... let's go over little Christi's options:
-Join the circus
-Join a convent
-Become a magician
-Write an e-book, "Born again balloon art - entertaining thousands with only 2 balloons and 5 breathes of air."

As a parent, these are probably not your initial ideas for a fabulously fulfilling life... So.... Do you deflate all her hopes and dreams by popping that prince of peace balloon braid, and hope she grows out of it?... If so, How do you go about it? Do you stick a pin in his palms?  Take a knife to the side?.... or just reverently entomb him in the garbage can outside? No one ever said being a parent was easy... and this is just a strikingly awkward situation.

Not quite as striking as the look on your face, when 3 days later she comes out of her room with a fully resuscitated, completely glorified version...... and says,"I forgive you".

You sinner....

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

HIPAA...... not in Europe

Might not want to watch this if you are squeamish... This one is guaranteed to make your butt pucker.

First of all,... Did this guy even read the small print on the release form?... You know, the part where it says something about the doctor and his whole staff using your misfortune and stupidity, to not only laugh their "professional" asses off, but to personally video record and broadcast your predicament over the Internet, for the whole world to enjoy....
You know, the standard shit.

I want to see the follow-up video.... I picture the same scene when this guy calls the office infuriated, and starts to complain. Every staff member is going to pull out their recorders, gather around the speaker phone and try desperately to hold it together when the doctor replies.... "C'mon... C'mon... Yanni, don't be such a stick in the ass.... I got your back.... Seriously, what crawled up your ass and died?"

Monday, November 1, 2010

You tell me

Well, is he? or isn't he?

Is the disproportionate head the result of some funhouse fisheye camera effect?... Are those toe rings or are they regular sized?... I like the kid and all his enthusiasm for Usher Raymond... However, I couldn't enjoy this heart felt lip synch rendition due to all of the unanswered questions in my head...

I finally thought I caught a break about 20 seconds in... When I realized that the chair behind him doesn't f*cking move...  This, of course, would leave him standing in front of the computer desk and dancing his nubby fingered heart out. .... and somehow that made it so much funnier. At last, I knew what was going on and I could enjoy the rest of the show..

Until I thought, "did he purposefully place the chair behind him as a distractionary disguise to make it look like he was "just" sitting down?.... or unlike Tom Cruz, has he fully embraced his elfish ways and he just got spontaneously caught dancing, because the DJ has him that much in love?".... We may never know.

Either way, you've got to give it to this kid.... If you can call a 35 yr old "kid"...... My only tip would be to practice that part featuring Pitbull's rap, so you don't look like you are alone in the car making mouth movements that don't match, because you forgot the words..... Or do something distracting during those forgotten lines.... maybe something that comes more juggling?

Friday, October 29, 2010

Squirter on rollercoaster

Why is putting immigrants on rollercoasters like pouring gas on a grease fire? It is an incredibly explosive phenomenon... Add a little broken english to an amusement ride, usually named after a dragon or large reptile, and it is always guaranteed to ignite into a wild fireball of epic entertainment.

1st things 1st.....
What the F*ck did she eat? Is it possible someone could eat that much oatmeal? Or, Was that baby food? ....Astronaut ice cream?  I doubt it, because after watching this, I now know why Mexico does not have a space program...
One thing I do know is, that shit came out like a god damn fire hose... Like she WAS the firebreathing dragon... Well, a fire breathing diva dragon that was concerned about her hair and even gave a smile for the camera.... I admire the grace... I hardly even noticed.....The only problem is the 23 pounds of chewed up Churro all over your new jean shorts.... Good luck getting that out of the bedazzles...

2nd issue...
What the hell is she going to do for the rest of the day?

The only thing that would have made the video better is if she would have turned to the side a Horchata'ed her heartless boy friend, who not only DIDN'T hold her hair , but filmed and mocked the whole thing...  Pendejo.

Let's look at the positives:  Miraculously the rest of the banditos didn't loose their lunch.... You don't have to go to the gym tomorrow.... It couldn't get any worse..... and... more room for churros!!!

You know she goes back....  i yi yi!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Another "Fauggie"

Really??? What the fuck is it in this country with our obsession with putting a hole(s) in a blanket and trying to sell that shit for millions of dollars? Give it up.
Yet here we are, watching someone else beat the shit out of that same poor dead horse..

This idea just cries out...,"I'm the dumb ass"... Yep, You ARE the dumb ass... You are the dumb ass that actually said out loud after a snuggie commercial, "why didn't I have that idea?"... Then to make matters worse you spent the next 36 months of your eventless life leveraging every point in your IQ to come up with your million dollar idea...
... And this is the shit you came up with.

As with all Post Snuggie...or "Faux Snuggie" ideas, this sucks... Your "Fauggie" blows.

I got to give it to you... you spent your life's savings on a clever little video and an avant-garde marketing campaign, banking on the fact your were going to sell millions of these useless units. However, there are a few holes in your marketing strategy....

#1- Snazzy Napper?...
To you this says,"cutting edge, progressively useful"....  To me this says,"You are either 68+ years old and a broken hip away from a permanent nap, or Grandma won the naming contest at the family party." Seriously, who has used the word "snazzy" since '84.. unless they were describing their bingo dauber or some weird colored skarf they knit out of sparkling yarn? Anytime the word "snazzy" IS used, it is generally to cover up what was a really terrible idea in the first place... So, although it is fitting, I still hate it.

#2- Anywhere? Really....anywhere?
Let me list off a few places that this shit might be a bad idea:
On a plane
Airport in general
Gun Range
Any southern state
University campus
While I like the enthusiasm, and entrepreneurial spirit... Maybe I haven't spent enough time at a bus stop, but if you pulled that shit out in front of me while waiting on a bench, I would innocently laugh my ass off, take a picture, then scoot away... However, If you tried that trick on a plane, I personally would jump across the isle and stab you through the nose hole with a box cutter... and there would be about 30 people behind me, waiting to do the same... There are somethings that are just a knee jerk reaction and in today's world you probably should take that into consideration...
And by consideration I don't mean silkscreening a bouncing sheep wearing sunglasses on the front... like a mob of 30 defense minded air passengers are going to come to a screeching halt when they see the sheep and say," Oh,...whoooa.. he's cool. Don't worry everyone, he's cool... there is a sheep on the front."

#3- Originality? Look we all know this is a blatant attempt to get some of that Snuggie money...  The only reason so many of those hideous homemade blankets sold, was because everyone needed a F*cking gag gift for that annoying office or neighborhood Christmas party..... It was embarrasingly lame....It was not cool, convienient, or comfortable!  It was not even a truley unique idea, and your shitty idea was obsolete a loooong time before that... Exhibit A-L

Ok....Ok... maybe I have been a little harsh. While your idea might not work for the contemporary day to day crowd, let's look at some places your "Fauggie" might naturally flourish:
Ball game during a rain delay
Natural disaster or FEMA event
White supremacist gathering
Taxi cab
Missing Wedding veil
Sheep herding
Science lab
Gaming convention or Renaissance fair
Pinata party
Being a hostage
Taking a hostage
Taking a taste test
Taking over a plane, train or any mass transit
Planting a roadside bomb

Perhaps I am the fool. It looks like there are probably countless situations in which this incompetent eye flap will work wonders. It turns out the concept is propitiously pragmatic, scintillatingly resplendent , and .... do I dare say, "Snazzy"???

Shit....."Why didn't I think of that?"

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

More coffee anyone?

I love this lady... How could you not laugh at this one? Especially if you know the whole story...

After spending the better part of the late 70's and early 80's in rehab for sexual addiction, cocaine abuse, and whoring her way around west Hollywood. It looks as if Peggy really found her niche when she was court ordered into outlet therapy classes... from the moment she did her first arm swing she was addicted.... or hooked... well, maybe obsessed?

Believe me. We are all glad she traded in her binging of barbiturates and boyfriends, for spandex and smiles... It was time she got her spread eagle back off the mattress and put her astounding flexibility to positive use. I love the fact that she even has invited fellow sex addicts as supporting roles in the videos.... C'mon, you know those facial haired funambulists are freaks... (You also know you are going to watch it again just for those guys,.. F*cking awesome! I could watch the guy on the left all day) Let's be honest, it doesn't take much for those high pant pedophiles to be seduced... maybe just a couple of tight ponytails and a jumprope... but I guess deep kneebend squats would do, Peggy....yeah!  Just be careful... a raging red rocket in those tight turquoise trapeze outfits could spell d.i.s.a.s.t.e.r..... Or,  J.a.i.l.t.i.m.e.

I have a hard time NOT believing those dudes are just checking off some required community service hours and will be right back at the playground with a pair of binoculars and a bag of candy tomorrow...Still, optimistic Peggy keeps going positively incorporating rehab key phrases into the act like, "Sometimes you've got to know when to say no, right?... Yeah!"..... All while she is hypnotizing them with her gaunt little gyrating ass... Almost like she is enjoying it too much, and for a brief moment, reverting to her devious ways.
In any case, I applaud her lanky, glass half full effort and must thank her, at least for the highly animated entertainment.

It must feel good, because I'm F*cking smilin..Sugar.... Yeah...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It'll take more than a comma...

I've got to admit that I am probably the worst when it comes to hard punctuation rules, or run on sentences... I will be the first to say that sometimes when the thoughts are flowing, it all sounds great in your head.... However, when you read it later, it might not sound the same... As much as I try to be somewhat conscious about keeping things correct, I know at some point it some bad grammar or skipped punctuation will embarrass me... but at least I know, it will never be as bad as this Facebook faux pas...

At first, I felt really bad for poor Ryan. Well, until I started going through the 3 scenarios of how this could have happened...

Scenario 1:  The faux pas was the lingering remains of a long night of hard partying.  After 4 hours of fighting off his gag reflex, Ryan has salvaged enough consciousness to fat finger his way into an enormously shocking statement.  The word "dude" in the phrase tends to suck you into this scenario, but I'm not sure if this is the case.... While his brain would be as cloudy as Central American bong water, I really don't think the 3 sheets stoner type is going to be: 1-paying for a smart phone.. 2-working a mobile app on that smart phone @ 6am... or 3- killing his buzz by giving a shit what the facebook crowd thinks. If it was the case, I would say," Dude, that is too bad about the typo but pass that state fair blue ribbon shit, so we can laugh about it for the next 4 hours".

Scenario 2:  Ryan has chosen facebook as his medium to make a life altering announcement and HAS actually just had intercourse with a "dude" and is savoring the moment with a sunrise, some rainbows and some frolicking warm man cuddles..
First of all, while Ryan might actually believe "you can't beat that", I don't think his syntax would include the word "dude"... and he definitely wouldn't leave the G off of fuckin. In this case, Ryan would have a great eye for details and would polish his status with plenty of superlatives ... It would probably sound something like this.... "Just experiencing the amorous tones of a warm autumn morning while basking in the gorgeous affection of a strong masculine embrace.... To Die for!!! :-)"
If this was indeed the case, I must say, "Good for you Ryan, we're behind you 100%, well, you know what I mean"... However, judging by the responses to his post, I have to believe that Ryan is, at least up to this point, a heterosexual and has made a monstrously erroneous status post.

Scenario 3:  Ryan is that douche bag friend that travels because his job pays for it, and never forgets to annoy everyone with a text or email when he stays somewhere, rides first class, or enjoys a high end meal?.... Like he paid for that shit out of his own pocket... you know this asshole... shows up to family parties in a suit.... Every phone call is 2x's louder than it should be, and is laced with acronyms and cheesy bullshit phrases like "win-win", "first and foremost", or "bottom line"... To this guy, everything is always classier, more exquisite, more elaborate and soooo fuckin cool.
No one gives a shit Ryan.... Here is clue #1... it was 5+ hours until anyone gave a wrinkled rat's ass about your enormous error. Either you don't have any friends or, more likely, none of us f*cking care... The fact that your dear sister and brother in law finally suggested that you change your status, is only due to the fact that they are related to you. Although they suspect it in the back off their mind, they hope you are not out there deep dish dicking your way up the corporate ladder, and this is their token "care about you" statement.
As with each of these scenarios, there are a few things that might throw us off.  In this case, for instance, usually the "dude" part should be replaced by the more professional "bro". Point well taken... However, the fact that he is on his Facebook mobile at sunrise, and he must document the fact that he is on the "3rd floor" as opposed to just any floor in the hot tub is a dead give away.... How luxurious.

Let's go over the facts our dude f*ckin friend didn't tell us... Your one night of 3rd floor opulence only cost you 6 consecutive months at the Day's inn just off the freeway from the airport convention center... You just spent two straight days riding bitch in a mini van with your 5'-2" sales director, trying to small talk your way into that opening in Denver. Not to mention your bonus just came in the form of GAP gift cards. Half of which you used to buy your nephew some useless orange overalls for his birthday gift... The other half you sold online to pay for a massage you got to soothe the carpal tunnel you developed from giving so many white knuckled hand jobs last week.

Look Ryan,.. First and foremost, Let's make it a Win-Win situation for everyone and stop telling us the glory details of your itinerary. We all know it's only because you are a half witted, high priced prostitute who sluts himself out to an expense account and some greasy sky miles. Bottom line is, we are not at all shocked that you just fucked your regional manager on the 3rd floor porch of the "Corporate kick off get away". We just don't want to hear about it.... Bro.... Now that, you can't "fuckin" beat.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Things could be worse...

Last time I posted about the strange polygamist family with their own TV show on TLC... Or more importantly the creepy dad.
After thinking about it, there are probably some worse family situations out there.... And in no way am I going to post at their expense..... believe me, we are all laughing  WITH you.

There are plenty of same sex couples now days adopting kids. It is widely acceptable in today's culture..  Gone are the days of the unknown and wild speculation of what would happen to a child raised by two fathers... Just when society takes a step forward it's dip shits like these that take us all 2 steps back...

I understand that the fear of public scrutiny may be an awkward big step at first, and that you may feel like hiding it.... But this is not a good idea. We know who you are, and we don't care. Although this might have been YOUR fantasy, you are seriously fucking up your kid by making him believe he is a feral child, left to be raised by gay ninjas.

See, this is more like it.... My 2 dads, and the family on vacation..... or is that 3 dads? 2 dads and a mom? 3 dads a sister and.... what the fuck is that on the top anyway?

Just a bit confusing... and the dynamic is a bit strange. Now that I think about it, I don't think it is a same sex thing... No gay man, or men, would make their family dress up in full head to toe denim with braided belts. The pose threw me off a bit at first, but i love the creativity.... I'd give you knuckles or bones for that... but it looks like you guys already have that taken care of.

Why the hell would you ever want to document this? They say there is nothing like a mothers love.... but this bitch's heart is out of this world.
We all understand that daddy left because mommy made some bad decisions... but let's end the cycle. Instead of paying for that galactic family photo, how about putting that money towards a counseling session so little Sybil doesn't go apeshit and start shooting up the whole school... Seriously, I think the pigment in the hair dye is starting to get to her... O.k... Maybe i'm a little paranoid with all the campus shootings going on,.. but YOU look at her trying to cast a spell and possess the photographer's soul and tell me that shit is normal.

This picture just screams, "mommy can't say no!"... C'mon, you have said no before, plenty of times. Take this morning for instance.... Picture day, and you said no to make up or hair products.. No, to a traditional background. You wanted something with a more "hippie kidnapped by eccentric alien sorcerers" vibe.

Look, 8th grade is hard enough for some kids. By sending yours to school looking like a vampire had a gang bang with Elvis and a dead condor, then aborted the evil baby,... you might as well just take that eyebrow pencil straight to their forehead and write,"Please fuck with me."  This is an open invitation... Just don't be mad at us when some kid finally takes the invitation, and everyone ends up dead.... Let's save your kids and another mom's kids as well... Time for mommy to make some good decisions... Time to get rid of the guns.... knives.... harsh chemicals...

..and on second thought, hide those fucking hair clippers too.  

Nothing tests the bonds of la familia like a recession... Damn you Obama.

And why wouldn't you?..... You mean to tell me you've got some guy selling his kid for beer and meat and these two spent money on this shit?  Maybe THEY got the better deal??? Because this shit is worth every penny. 

You got to give it to Greg for stepping up and filling in for his brother in law while he was gone... With the baby on the way what was his sister to do?
C'mon, you know if she had a goatee or he had longer hair... it's the same F'n dude!!! Leaving me to believe they are siblings. Siblings without any care for a dollar, but who care a whole lot about each other.

I would say, get some self respect but apparently these two respect their bodies a little more then the rest of the world respects them... Good for them... I love the statement that a couple knows this is as good as it is going to get for them, so they make the obvious choice to document it... I get it. I do.... just keep that shit to yourself... No one wants to look at a picture and subconsciously feel a clammy beer gut and bushy ball park plumping up in the small of their back.

This is what I call a great father, patriarch and man... Any man who would care about another man, enough to let that man drink his way into forgetting about his haircut, is a great man.

Two explanations: either time is going by soooo slowly for this dad that he actually believes his daughter is 18 by now..... or all of the second hand hot boxing has stunted her growth and she is actually 22...  Either option would totally explain why daddy is bringing her to the grateful dead show...
Something tells me this girl is going to be alright.... Well, until daddy tells her to start flashing her tiny tits so he can score some more Diggity Dank.
By the way, I knew California was progressive enough to legalize a lot of shit, but when they are selling these as "Foot longs" at the concert concessions stand, it gives a whole new meaning to the term, liberal....
All in all, a great place to raise a kid.