Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It'll take more than a comma...

I've got to admit that I am probably the worst when it comes to hard punctuation rules, or run on sentences... I will be the first to say that sometimes when the thoughts are flowing, it all sounds great in your head.... However, when you read it later, it might not sound the same... As much as I try to be somewhat conscious about keeping things correct, I know at some point it some bad grammar or skipped punctuation will embarrass me... but at least I know, it will never be as bad as this Facebook faux pas...

At first, I felt really bad for poor Ryan. Well, until I started going through the 3 scenarios of how this could have happened...

Scenario 1:  The faux pas was the lingering remains of a long night of hard partying.  After 4 hours of fighting off his gag reflex, Ryan has salvaged enough consciousness to fat finger his way into an enormously shocking statement.  The word "dude" in the phrase tends to suck you into this scenario, but I'm not sure if this is the case.... While his brain would be as cloudy as Central American bong water, I really don't think the 3 sheets stoner type is going to be: 1-paying for a smart phone.. 2-working a mobile app on that smart phone @ 6am... or 3- killing his buzz by giving a shit what the facebook crowd thinks. If it was the case, I would say," Dude, that is too bad about the typo but pass that state fair blue ribbon shit, so we can laugh about it for the next 4 hours".

Scenario 2:  Ryan has chosen facebook as his medium to make a life altering announcement and HAS actually just had intercourse with a "dude" and is savoring the moment with a sunrise, some rainbows and some frolicking warm man cuddles..
First of all, while Ryan might actually believe "you can't beat that", I don't think his syntax would include the word "dude"... and he definitely wouldn't leave the G off of fuckin. In this case, Ryan would have a great eye for details and would polish his status with plenty of superlatives ... It would probably sound something like this.... "Just experiencing the amorous tones of a warm autumn morning while basking in the gorgeous affection of a strong masculine embrace.... To Die for!!! :-)"
If this was indeed the case, I must say, "Good for you Ryan, we're behind you 100%, well, you know what I mean"... However, judging by the responses to his post, I have to believe that Ryan is, at least up to this point, a heterosexual and has made a monstrously erroneous status post.

Scenario 3:  Ryan is that douche bag friend that travels because his job pays for it, and never forgets to annoy everyone with a text or email when he stays somewhere, rides first class, or enjoys a high end meal?.... Like he paid for that shit out of his own pocket... you know this asshole... shows up to family parties in a suit.... Every phone call is 2x's louder than it should be, and is laced with acronyms and cheesy bullshit phrases like "win-win", "first and foremost", or "bottom line"... To this guy, everything is always classier, more exquisite, more elaborate and soooo fuckin cool.
No one gives a shit Ryan.... Here is clue #1... it was 5+ hours until anyone gave a wrinkled rat's ass about your enormous error. Either you don't have any friends or, more likely, none of us f*cking care... The fact that your dear sister and brother in law finally suggested that you change your status, is only due to the fact that they are related to you. Although they suspect it in the back off their mind, they hope you are not out there deep dish dicking your way up the corporate ladder, and this is their token "care about you" statement.
As with each of these scenarios, there are a few things that might throw us off.  In this case, for instance, usually the "dude" part should be replaced by the more professional "bro". Point well taken... However, the fact that he is on his Facebook mobile at sunrise, and he must document the fact that he is on the "3rd floor" as opposed to just any floor in the hot tub is a dead give away.... How luxurious.

Let's go over the facts our dude f*ckin friend didn't tell us... Your one night of 3rd floor opulence only cost you 6 consecutive months at the Day's inn just off the freeway from the airport convention center... You just spent two straight days riding bitch in a mini van with your 5'-2" sales director, trying to small talk your way into that opening in Denver. Not to mention your bonus just came in the form of GAP gift cards. Half of which you used to buy your nephew some useless orange overalls for his birthday gift... The other half you sold online to pay for a massage you got to soothe the carpal tunnel you developed from giving so many white knuckled hand jobs last week.

Look Ryan,.. First and foremost, Let's make it a Win-Win situation for everyone and stop telling us the glory details of your itinerary. We all know it's only because you are a half witted, high priced prostitute who sluts himself out to an expense account and some greasy sky miles. Bottom line is, we are not at all shocked that you just fucked your regional manager on the 3rd floor porch of the "Corporate kick off get away". We just don't want to hear about it.... Bro.... Now that, you can't "fuckin" beat.

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