Thursday, November 11, 2010

Miracle my lucky ass.

Check out the headline of this touching story I read today on the UK's Telegraph newspaper site....

"US housewife has children on 10.10.10, 09.09.09 and 08.08.08"

A Michigan housewife is celebrating the birth of her daughter Cearra on 10.10.10.

'Despite the neat pattern of their children's birthdays, the Sopers insist it was not planned. It follows the birth of her son on 09.09.09 and her other daughter on 08.08.08, at the odds of 50 million to one. Barbara Soper, 36, said: 'She's our own little miracle.'"

'Mother Barbara Soper, 36, described Cearra as a ‘little miracle’, adding: ‘Chloe is lucky number eight, Cameron is lucky number nine and she is our lucky number ten.’

Enough of this lucky miracle bullshit....  Barbara, you've got me little confused... What the fuck is so lucky about the number 8?..... There is nothing miraculous about the number 9...... and let's have a closer look at your "50 million to one" gushing miracle of a baby, lucky #10.

First of all, that little girl is NOT lucky... You named her f*cking Cearra. Do you even know what the first day of school is going to be like for the first 18 years of that unlucky little miracle's existence?.... " with a capital C, and an E... no I's... an A... double R and just an A.... you know, like that singer, but with a totally fucked up, uber edgy spelling." ........ Cearra, UhhhhhHuuuhhhHHH.

One thing for sure, she'll be a helluva "speller". Hopefully, this will compensate for her below average math skills.... Let's take a look at what you are teaching your little "50mil" right from the gate... 50 million to one? really? How do the odds makers account for the fact that you scheduled an induction nearly a full month before your little miracle's actual due date?

'Soper says she and her husband had thought it would be "neat" if their third child was born on 10-10-10 but because her due date wasn't until Nov. 4, it seemed unlikely'.....

'....The induction was begun on 10-9-10, but it wasn't until 6:53 on Sunday night, 10-10-10, that Cearra Nicole Soper arrived. Despite being three weeks early, "she's feeding well," says mom. "She's a trooper."

I don't know about you, but when it comes to voluntarily inducing a birth with medicine, it tends to take all of the fun out of the miracle, for me.... Unless that obstetrician made that Pitocin out of wine, or the water he just manually broke, I don't see the f*cking miracle.

Ok...ok... Maybe that's a little harsh. I guess we could all look past this, and just call it perhaps a little selfish... but after I learned that your second baby was also strategically robbed from the womb dangerously early, you just went from a bit selfish to a maternally greedy attention whore.... Do we really need to revisit the newspaper quote about 'the Sopers insist this was not planned'? I hear what your saying.... It just sounds more like someone is using some embellished numbers and a scientifically engineered miracle, to pull a few heart strings in hopes of a dream shot at a sappy spotlight show on TLC. Sorry, but "Barbara and Chad plus 8,..9,..&10" doesn't add up... Not the same ring to it.... Maybe it's the math... or the task of rhyming anything with fucking Barbara.

Sorry to kill a dream... But, Personally I think the fuzzy math and the general lack of interest shoots the TV show option down. Unless there is some kind of twist.... I'm no TV producer but I'm just going to throw this one out there.... I thought of the uncanny resemblance when I first saw your pic, but brushed it off as fantasy.... Well, until I read your story...

Gotta say, it's catchy, universal, and could explain a lot of questionable time lines. Well, that, and it is probably more believable than your "miracle".

Here is some math that might work... The gestation rate of a wookie is only 30 weeks... or 210 days.... Why would I know that? Because I googled it, and somewhere out there exists someone who is just as pathetically crazy as you are, and knows the full term pregnancy schedule of a exogalactic biped mammal.

I know you love numbers, so pay attention to those.... The shorter pregnancy stats will definitely come in handy if the auditor comes knocking, and asks why you, and your "responsible" healthprovider, fraudulently gambled a precarious induction and 50 million to one odds.... at the risk of over $500,000.00, (or roughly the cost it would take to hold your baby in the ICU for damn near a month) just so you could have your F'n miracle... Smells like insurance fraud to me... or the matted dred on the balmy crotch of a 7' pregnant space monkey..... I imagine they both smell about the same.

The good news is, I believe your situation would be covered under the new Obama healthcare reform.... And who can get mad at the universal love story of an undocumented alien, living in this country, without a job, without insurance, on Medicaid, and who just hung the tax paying American public out to pick up the check for their 3rd baby... Finally a TV show this country can relate to...I think we are onto something.

You might say,"That is ridiculous! Wookies don't even exist in this world!".....
Let me tell you something else that can't exist.... A Vagina, after 3 kids in 26 months. So, while your story might be touching as somewhat of a pseudo unique situation.... We are all grossed out and convinced that the true miracle is that your husband is still willing to have sex with you. Even when it feels just like he is sticking his dick in his f*cking baseball hat.... Go Tigers.

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