Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mathmatics of the Samurai

I don't know what it is lately with the Internet but I have been running into a constant rash of one of my biggest pet peeves... I don't know if the Internet, being some sort of a parallel universe, has invited this idiotic behavior or just given an avenue for many to express what really goes on in their head...

Either way this shit has got to stop.... come back to earth.... the planet you live on, because we have rules here... scientific rules... the first being:

Samurai Sword = Fucking Douchebag

Let's be honest here, Rick.... I don't know if your name is Rick but to me you seem like a Rick... We all know you have never been to battle, and in the very small chance you have, I'm pretty sure that a 30" "Katana" blade you got at the state fair wasn't going to do shit for your survival.

Still, there it is proudly mounted on your living room wall right above your fish tank, "just in case" you may be attacked in the middle of the day by a clan of sword wielding oriental bandits... Yep, a clear sign to the whole world that you are not the Mother F*cker they want to mess with... A true Bad Ass just oozing with masculinity and sexual prowess.

A Samurai sword....? Seriously?  What the F*ck is it with guys and Samurai swords? This should be the universal symbol for, "I don't want you to take me seriously." Look, in any language you want me to speak, Klingon, Na'vi, C++.... we all know that if you have a Samurai sword you have spent an exorbitant amount of childhood, youth, even adulthood living in a false universe or gaming world that has caused you to play a role that has seriously warped your reality. 
I bet if you handed Helen Keller a samurai sword even she would fall out of her wheelchair silently laughing and make the universal sign for "Fucking Douchebag"..... Which is ironically done by making the shape of a samurai sword.

It really is that simple.... Rick, I know you don't like to be in our universe because you can't go flying around casting spells and banging princesses but we live here.... So let's draw some common ground.... You like Science Rick??? You know, black holes and shit?.... No, Death stars are more science fiction but this will give us a good base. Let's continue to scientifically explain this phenomenon, by skipping theoretical statement and proving this the way all things get proven in our universe... Math Proof.... I know, I know, we'll keep it really simple.... Let's do some fuckin math, Rick.


If we say S=sword and J=jean shorts than it is safe to say that according to universal law.. if you own a samurai sword then, you still own some jean shorts. In some cases J can also equal: reptile, large amount of fish, eye liner, karate suit or sea shell necklace.


if S=J and J≠P, Then S≠P
This leads us straight into our next equation on the mathematical checklist.... If you have a Samurai sword you most likely do not have a girlfriend.... or boyfriend.... and if you do, He/she likes Samurai swords or jean shorts and let's be honest...  There is something wrong with both of you, generally a congruent equivalence of geometric shape and size...  You both are just taking what you can get, into the downward spiral called a black hole of shame and embarrasment.

S+M < R or P
If you have a Samurai sword you have dreamt of having sex with, or masturbated to, a Japanese cartoon character. This gives you a Less than optimal chance for you to ever have any self respect or get any real P. This will cause the next equation......

S ≥ CK
If you have a Samurai sword, chances are greater than or equal to the fact that you have dreamed of taking it into work or school, and going Cobra Ki on your fellow students and co-workers. Because you realize that you SUCK and you masturbated to a cartoon.

f '(C)  f "(F)  f '''(K)  f ''''(Sp)                    f(s)=J
These fuctions also hold true for derivitives of the Samurai sword including: Chinese Stars, extraneous Firearms or ammunition, Knives, any self built devices which include knives, and Spells...  (dude, we know you've tried it.)

So Rick, Don't take my word for it.... That is the universe talking... like gravity. Until you can escape from these elementary laws of nature, you need to understand.... You are scientifically a Fucking Douche.

No comments:

Post a Comment