Friday, October 29, 2010

Squirter on rollercoaster



Why is putting immigrants on rollercoasters like pouring gas on a grease fire? It is an incredibly explosive phenomenon... Add a little broken english to an amusement ride, usually named after a dragon or large reptile, and it is always guaranteed to ignite into a wild fireball of epic entertainment.

1st things 1st.....
What the F*ck did she eat? Is it possible someone could eat that much oatmeal? Or, Was that baby food? ....Astronaut ice cream?  I doubt it, because after watching this, I now know why Mexico does not have a space program...
One thing I do know is, that shit came out like a god damn fire hose... Like she WAS the firebreathing dragon... Well, a fire breathing diva dragon that was concerned about her hair and even gave a smile for the camera.... I admire the grace... I hardly even noticed.....The only problem is the 23 pounds of chewed up Churro all over your new jean shorts.... Good luck getting that out of the bedazzles...

2nd issue...
What the hell is she going to do for the rest of the day?

The only thing that would have made the video better is if she would have turned to the side a Horchata'ed her heartless boy friend, who not only DIDN'T hold her hair , but filmed and mocked the whole thing...  Pendejo.

Let's look at the positives:  Miraculously the rest of the banditos didn't loose their lunch.... You don't have to go to the gym tomorrow.... It couldn't get any worse..... and... more room for churros!!!

You know she goes back....  i yi yi!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Another "Fauggie"



Really??? What the fuck is it in this country with our obsession with putting a hole(s) in a blanket and trying to sell that shit for millions of dollars? Give it up.
Yet here we are, watching someone else beat the shit out of that same poor dead horse..

This idea just cries out...,"I'm the dumb ass"... Yep, You ARE the dumb ass... You are the dumb ass that actually said out loud after a snuggie commercial, "why didn't I have that idea?"... Then to make matters worse you spent the next 36 months of your eventless life leveraging every point in your IQ to come up with your million dollar idea...
... And this is the shit you came up with.

As with all Post Snuggie...or "Faux Snuggie" ideas, this sucks... Your "Fauggie" blows.

I got to give it to you... you spent your life's savings on a clever little video and an avant-garde marketing campaign, banking on the fact your were going to sell millions of these useless units. However, there are a few holes in your marketing strategy....

#1- Snazzy Napper?...
To you this says,"cutting edge, progressively useful"....  To me this says,"You are either 68+ years old and a broken hip away from a permanent nap, or Grandma won the naming contest at the family party." Seriously, who has used the word "snazzy" since '84.. unless they were describing their bingo dauber or some weird colored skarf they knit out of sparkling yarn? Anytime the word "snazzy" IS used, it is generally to cover up what was a really terrible idea in the first place... So, although it is fitting, I still hate it.

#2- Anywhere? Really....anywhere?
Let me list off a few places that this shit might be a bad idea:
On a plane
Airport in general
Bank
Harlem
Gun Range
Any southern state
University campus
While I like the enthusiasm, and entrepreneurial spirit... Maybe I haven't spent enough time at a bus stop, but if you pulled that shit out in front of me while waiting on a bench, I would innocently laugh my ass off, take a picture, then scoot away... However, If you tried that trick on a plane, I personally would jump across the isle and stab you through the nose hole with a box cutter... and there would be about 30 people behind me, waiting to do the same... There are somethings that are just a knee jerk reaction and in today's world you probably should take that into consideration...
And by consideration I don't mean silkscreening a bouncing sheep wearing sunglasses on the front... like a mob of 30 defense minded air passengers are going to come to a screeching halt when they see the sheep and say," Oh,...whoooa.. he's cool. Don't worry everyone, he's cool... there is a sheep on the front."

#3- Originality? Look we all know this is a blatant attempt to get some of that Snuggie money...  The only reason so many of those hideous homemade blankets sold, was because everyone needed a F*cking gag gift for that annoying office or neighborhood Christmas party..... It was embarrasingly lame....It was not cool, convienient, or comfortable!  It was not even a truley unique idea, and your shitty idea was obsolete a loooong time before that... Exhibit A-L





















Ok....Ok... maybe I have been a little harsh. While your idea might not work for the contemporary day to day crowd, let's look at some places your "Fauggie" might naturally flourish:
Ball game during a rain delay
Natural disaster or FEMA event
White supremacist gathering
Taxi cab
Missing Wedding veil
Sheep herding
Science lab
Gaming convention or Renaissance fair
Pinata party
Being a hostage
Taking a hostage
Taking a taste test
Taking over a plane, train or any mass transit
Planting a roadside bomb

Perhaps I am the fool. It looks like there are probably countless situations in which this incompetent eye flap will work wonders. It turns out the concept is propitiously pragmatic, scintillatingly resplendent , and .... do I dare say, "Snazzy"???

Shit....."Why didn't I think of that?"







Wednesday, October 27, 2010

More coffee anyone?



I love this lady... How could you not laugh at this one? Especially if you know the whole story...


After spending the better part of the late 70's and early 80's in rehab for sexual addiction, cocaine abuse, and whoring her way around west Hollywood. It looks as if Peggy really found her niche when she was court ordered into outlet therapy classes... from the moment she did her first arm swing she was addicted.... or hooked... well, maybe obsessed?

Believe me. We are all glad she traded in her binging of barbiturates and boyfriends, for spandex and smiles... It was time she got her spread eagle back off the mattress and put her astounding flexibility to positive use. I love the fact that she even has invited fellow sex addicts as supporting roles in the videos.... C'mon, you know those facial haired funambulists are freaks... (You also know you are going to watch it again just for those guys,.. F*cking awesome! I could watch the guy on the left all day) Let's be honest, it doesn't take much for those high pant pedophiles to be seduced... maybe just a couple of tight ponytails and a jumprope... but I guess deep kneebend squats would do, Peggy....yeah!  Just be careful... a raging red rocket in those tight turquoise trapeze outfits could spell d.i.s.a.s.t.e.r..... Or,  J.a.i.l.t.i.m.e.

I have a hard time NOT believing those dudes are just checking off some required community service hours and will be right back at the playground with a pair of binoculars and a bag of candy tomorrow...Still, optimistic Peggy keeps going positively incorporating rehab key phrases into the act like, "Sometimes you've got to know when to say no, right?... Yeah!"..... All while she is hypnotizing them with her gaunt little gyrating ass... Almost like she is enjoying it too much, and for a brief moment, reverting to her devious ways.
In any case, I applaud her lanky, glass half full effort and must thank her, at least for the highly animated entertainment.

It must feel good, because I'm F*cking smilin..Sugar.... Yeah...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It'll take more than a comma...

I've got to admit that I am probably the worst when it comes to hard punctuation rules, or run on sentences... I will be the first to say that sometimes when the thoughts are flowing, it all sounds great in your head.... However, when you read it later, it might not sound the same... As much as I try to be somewhat conscious about keeping things correct, I know at some point it some bad grammar or skipped punctuation will embarrass me... but at least I know, it will never be as bad as this Facebook faux pas...



At first, I felt really bad for poor Ryan. Well, until I started going through the 3 scenarios of how this could have happened...

Scenario 1:  The faux pas was the lingering remains of a long night of hard partying.  After 4 hours of fighting off his gag reflex, Ryan has salvaged enough consciousness to fat finger his way into an enormously shocking statement.  The word "dude" in the phrase tends to suck you into this scenario, but I'm not sure if this is the case.... While his brain would be as cloudy as Central American bong water, I really don't think the 3 sheets stoner type is going to be: 1-paying for a smart phone.. 2-working a mobile app on that smart phone @ 6am... or 3- killing his buzz by giving a shit what the facebook crowd thinks. If it was the case, I would say," Dude, that is too bad about the typo but pass that state fair blue ribbon shit, so we can laugh about it for the next 4 hours".

Scenario 2:  Ryan has chosen facebook as his medium to make a life altering announcement and HAS actually just had intercourse with a "dude" and is savoring the moment with a sunrise, some rainbows and some frolicking warm man cuddles..
First of all, while Ryan might actually believe "you can't beat that", I don't think his syntax would include the word "dude"... and he definitely wouldn't leave the G off of fuckin. In this case, Ryan would have a great eye for details and would polish his status with plenty of superlatives ... It would probably sound something like this.... "Just experiencing the amorous tones of a warm autumn morning while basking in the gorgeous affection of a strong masculine embrace.... To Die for!!! :-)"
If this was indeed the case, I must say, "Good for you Ryan, we're behind you 100%, well, you know what I mean"... However, judging by the responses to his post, I have to believe that Ryan is, at least up to this point, a heterosexual and has made a monstrously erroneous status post.

Scenario 3:  Ryan is that douche bag friend that travels because his job pays for it, and never forgets to annoy everyone with a text or email when he stays somewhere, rides first class, or enjoys a high end meal?.... Like he paid for that shit out of his own pocket... you know this asshole... shows up to family parties in a suit.... Every phone call is 2x's louder than it should be, and is laced with acronyms and cheesy bullshit phrases like "win-win", "first and foremost", or "bottom line"... To this guy, everything is always classier, more exquisite, more elaborate and soooo fuckin cool.
No one gives a shit Ryan.... Here is clue #1... it was 5+ hours until anyone gave a wrinkled rat's ass about your enormous error. Either you don't have any friends or, more likely, none of us f*cking care... The fact that your dear sister and brother in law finally suggested that you change your status, is only due to the fact that they are related to you. Although they suspect it in the back off their mind, they hope you are not out there deep dish dicking your way up the corporate ladder, and this is their token "care about you" statement.
As with each of these scenarios, there are a few things that might throw us off.  In this case, for instance, usually the "dude" part should be replaced by the more professional "bro". Point well taken... However, the fact that he is on his Facebook mobile at sunrise, and he must document the fact that he is on the "3rd floor" as opposed to just any floor in the hot tub is a dead give away.... How luxurious.

Let's go over the facts our dude f*ckin friend didn't tell us... Your one night of 3rd floor opulence only cost you 6 consecutive months at the Day's inn just off the freeway from the airport convention center... You just spent two straight days riding bitch in a mini van with your 5'-2" sales director, trying to small talk your way into that opening in Denver. Not to mention your bonus just came in the form of GAP gift cards. Half of which you used to buy your nephew some useless orange overalls for his birthday gift... The other half you sold online to pay for a massage you got to soothe the carpal tunnel you developed from giving so many white knuckled hand jobs last week.

Look Ryan,.. First and foremost, Let's make it a Win-Win situation for everyone and stop telling us the glory details of your itinerary. We all know it's only because you are a half witted, high priced prostitute who sluts himself out to an expense account and some greasy sky miles. Bottom line is, we are not at all shocked that you just fucked your regional manager on the 3rd floor porch of the "Corporate kick off get away". We just don't want to hear about it.... Bro.... Now that, you can't "fuckin" beat.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Things could be worse...


Last time I posted about the strange polygamist family with their own TV show on TLC... Or more importantly the creepy dad.
After thinking about it, there are probably some worse family situations out there.... And in no way am I going to post at their expense..... believe me, we are all laughing  WITH you.






There are plenty of same sex couples now days adopting kids. It is widely acceptable in today's culture..  Gone are the days of the unknown and wild speculation of what would happen to a child raised by two fathers... Just when society takes a step forward it's dip shits like these that take us all 2 steps back...

I understand that the fear of public scrutiny may be an awkward big step at first, and that you may feel like hiding it.... But this is not a good idea. We know who you are, and we don't care. Although this might have been YOUR fantasy, you are seriously fucking up your kid by making him believe he is a feral child, left to be raised by gay ninjas.







See, this is more like it.... My 2 dads, and the family on vacation..... or is that 3 dads? 2 dads and a mom? 3 dads a sister and.... what the fuck is that on the top anyway?

Just a bit confusing... and the dynamic is a bit strange. Now that I think about it, I don't think it is a same sex thing... No gay man, or men, would make their family dress up in full head to toe denim with braided belts. The pose threw me off a bit at first, but i love the creativity.... I'd give you knuckles or bones for that... but it looks like you guys already have that taken care of.








Why the hell would you ever want to document this? They say there is nothing like a mothers love.... but this bitch's heart is out of this world.
We all understand that daddy left because mommy made some bad decisions... but let's end the cycle. Instead of paying for that galactic family photo, how about putting that money towards a counseling session so little Sybil doesn't go apeshit and start shooting up the whole school... Seriously, I think the pigment in the hair dye is starting to get to her... O.k... Maybe i'm a little paranoid with all the campus shootings going on,.. but YOU look at her trying to cast a spell and possess the photographer's soul and tell me that shit is normal.

This picture just screams, "mommy can't say no!"... C'mon, you have said no before, plenty of times. Take this morning for instance.... Picture day, and you said no to make up or hair products.. No, to a traditional background. You wanted something with a more "hippie kidnapped by eccentric alien sorcerers" vibe.

Look, 8th grade is hard enough for some kids. By sending yours to school looking like a vampire had a gang bang with Elvis and a dead condor, then aborted the evil baby,... you might as well just take that eyebrow pencil straight to their forehead and write,"Please fuck with me."  This is an open invitation... Just don't be mad at us when some kid finally takes the invitation, and everyone ends up dead.... Let's save your kids and another mom's kids as well... Time for mommy to make some good decisions... Time to get rid of the guns.... knives.... harsh chemicals...

..and on second thought, hide those fucking hair clippers too.  





Nothing tests the bonds of la familia like a recession... Damn you Obama.






And why wouldn't you?..... You mean to tell me you've got some guy selling his kid for beer and meat and these two spent money on this shit?  Maybe THEY got the better deal??? Because this shit is worth every penny. 

You got to give it to Greg for stepping up and filling in for his brother in law while he was gone... With the baby on the way what was his sister to do?
C'mon, you know if she had a goatee or he had longer hair... it's the same F'n dude!!! Leaving me to believe they are siblings. Siblings without any care for a dollar, but who care a whole lot about each other.

I would say, get some self respect but apparently these two respect their bodies a little more then the rest of the world respects them... Good for them... I love the statement that a couple knows this is as good as it is going to get for them, so they make the obvious choice to document it... I get it. I do.... just keep that shit to yourself... No one wants to look at a picture and subconsciously feel a clammy beer gut and bushy ball park plumping up in the small of their back.







This is what I call a great father, patriarch and man... Any man who would care about another man, enough to let that man drink his way into forgetting about his haircut, is a great man.





Two explanations: either time is going by soooo slowly for this dad that he actually believes his daughter is 18 by now..... or all of the second hand hot boxing has stunted her growth and she is actually 22...  Either option would totally explain why daddy is bringing her to the grateful dead show...
Something tells me this girl is going to be alright.... Well, until daddy tells her to start flashing her tiny tits so he can score some more Diggity Dank.
By the way, I knew California was progressive enough to legalize a lot of shit, but when they are selling these as "Foot longs" at the concert concessions stand, it gives a whole new meaning to the term, liberal....
All in all, a great place to raise a kid.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Coincidence?





Look familiar?  I guess maybe he IS with us always.... I just wasn't guessing Wednesdays on TLC.

I always wondered how he pulled it off.... How could he possibly feed all those children? How do you escape the law, like you walk on water? Or, how do you calm the hormonal storm of four women?
I guess miracles do still happen. It's all starting to make sense...

I can't wait for the after show.... I'm dying to know, what is easier, 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish...... or 4 wives? Truly miraculous.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I hate you....




Do I really have to say anything? Chances are if this video makes sense to you in anyway, then I hate you.... Are there really enough people who enjoy this shit? Enough to justify having this travesty take up airwaves and bandwidth from something else?..... Anything else..... I don't care if it is static snow or the emergency broadcast signal. At least it is not a fucking dancing gorilla who turns into an Alaskan marshmallow....

Overall, the whole idea is enough to make Darwin turn over in his grave... but as you look at the details it gets worse and worse... The song is "The Monkeys", and the costumes are gorillas... Although both primates, apes and monkeys are not the same. There are physical and evolutionary distinctions.. one of the biggest differences being gorillas have no tails... and I guess we can add no dancing skills or entertainment value to that list as well.

It is funny how monkeys are smart enough to be astronauts, but as TV producers they suck ass... Thanks for wasting my life, and insulting my intelligence, by parading "Silverback" and the dancing boy around to a band playing an incorrect song, in front of a giant picture of bananas... I think everyone has made an evolutionary regression by being a part of this.

Seriously, I hate you.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

...and I thought I was an asshole

Seriously, sometimes a picture is worth "one" word..... a thousand times.


After seeing this pic I don't know whether to kiss or punch the inconsiderate groomsman, who convinced the group that this was definitely the only action shot which could possibly describe their big day... When you've got the best man's ignition off and the park brake on for the photo, don't you choose a different idea?...
I mean, sure it is nice to include your buddy in the photo, but when 20% of the photo doesn't even work, there is a 100% chance that the Jumping genre might be a shitty idea.

Was it one of these numb nuts or the photographer, who really thinks they are going to print out the picture and give it to poor Robbie?... So he can hang it on his wall as a constant daily reminder that the shit just ain't going to happen.

Good for him to be a willing participant and choosing an exceptionally expressive pose for this celebratory situation..... Talk about going the "extra mile"... Do you even know how hard that is with no legs?

However, behind the joyful facade, if you really look , you can almost see Robbie's eyes saying, "I swear to god, if I could even feel my legs, I would put this lacquered loafer so far up your ass I'd be wearing your sphincter for a garter, Assholes".











By the looks of that golden wheelchair and posh backyard, it is obvious what Timmy brings to this friendship.... or more precisely, what Timmy's parents bring.
"Everybody....1...2...3... Pool party!"

You know these 5 weasels spent their entire spring band excursion planning out prom. The only thing missing was the venue.. In a callous move to finally get them a home field for the festivities, these woodwind wonders befriended Timmy, the handicap kid down the street, with the big house.

It was a flawless plan... Two birds with one stone type of shit... Because, as all guys know, every group of girls has a "large liability" that is kept around to make them all feel better about themselves...
So, like a cruel game of chess these boy banders set up the sacrificial move, and convinced their new friend Timmy "the pawn" into asking the "liability" out on the big date and hearding buffalo for the evening.

With the Venue secured and the Grenade covered, it was time to go down the checklist:  hair cut, rubbers, beer, trim the pubes, flower, matching outfits..... Fuck.... You're telling me that timmy can match his tie, braces elastics, and corsage to his wheelchair and some dipshit can't even get his shit together enough to get a matching shirt?

Looks like a bad start... or maybe Karma kicking in.... and it doesn't look like that train is slowing down anytime soon... because let's be honest, these dip shits pretended to be friends with a handicap kid... Strike one. They set him up with a fat chick... strike two.... And to top it off, these double douche nozzels chose to start out their night by taking a picture jumping into the air with mismatching outfits and a kid in a wheelchair.... Soooo fucking coool...

The only thing that makes me feel better about this picture is, knowing that their chair bound buddy will have the last laugh.... They will learn. The funny thing about women is....even without legs, Timmy is going to get more ass then all of them put together.... because once again... Timmy has rich parents.










Look, just because your mom told you to choose some well grounded friends.... You might not want to take that shit so literally... I don't know who to be more disappointed in here... The 8 bitches who knew this pic would not turn out well, or Two Ton Tina Thompson who didn't even give it a shot...

How disappointing...  I think I found myself cheering with Tina in the first pic.... It started so promising. So much hope, so determined.... and... Nothing.  Poor Humpty Dumpty gave it about as much effort as she did day 2 of the south beach diet....Nada???..  not even a half hurkey bent leg side kick...  As if she's saying, "look, all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't drag my ass from this spot, so fuck off!" 

We all know that every young girl leaves graduation thinking she is either Carey Bradshaw, or is going to blow a vampire. It is annoying. I often find myself wishing someone would take those girls by the hand and remind them that it's not all Cosmo hopes and Manolo dreams... I really appreciate the effort, Tiny, but I don't think pulling the girl's arm off next to you like a drumstick is going to solve much. Ouch... Just out of high school and this girl is already doomed to a life of crippling shoulder bursitis. Just because she made the unfortunate mistake of standing next to your silent stand in, on the celebratory jump pic.

Look Tina, I understand that these girls put you in the unfortunate position of documenting your less than stellar eating habits and horrible self control. However, Let each of these girls fall on their own. They will soon enough learn that life is not a wild stream novelesque experiences...  Let them go to college.  The magic of the vampires will quickly fade, and they will settle for blowing a few frogs that will turn into trolls. Soon after, they will shit out a litter of baby trolls and end up on your same loop of yo-yo diets and happy pills.

So, see, you are ahead of the pack, or herd....   In the mean time you may meet someone really nice with a few cats and an incredible samurai sword collection...  At least you won't have to blow a frog.

Well, except for that guy in the wheelchair you went to the prom with last year.




And I'm the Asshole..???


Friday, October 15, 2010

Back to the drawing board






How could you not like this guy? You only have to see 10 seconds of video to know the whole story....

After one or two adventurous nights when she first moved here. Peter has spent a year and a half in the "friend zone" with Natalia, he was determined to finally break out. So, my man spent 2 straight weeks planning every detail to an amorous amusement adventure. All day he has been consciously showering his foreign beauty with superlatives, and showing extra care and attention. Nothing was going to stop him from his break through...
Good bye friends... Hello lovers.

And now, here it is... the final piece of the puzzle. As a gesture to his new wild and listless ways, he is going to throw down the extra 50 bones for a tandem ride on the slingshot.  A symbol of them breaking through this "sexually frustrated" barrier and heading full speed into a next atmosphere, as a new couple, forged together by the smoldering fires of adrenaline....

There might be a little foreshadowing for poor Peter when he, fighting off the nerves, reaches over, grabs her hand, and confidently says, "aaaahhh..aapppeeennsss....ddd...uum I Love You!" 
To which she respectfully replies, "Haaaahahahhhaaahahaaa".
Thank god for the smoke screen to cover the awkwardness of the silent handhold.
You got to give him credit. He fights through the clumsiness and a bad smoking weed joke to get ready for lift off.

Wooooooooooooohhhh..... At first he might have let out some weird baby seal sound at his apex. But he plays it off well, when he gives the double peace sign. Good move, Peetey... Cool, Confident, yet fun. Truly and man in charge....... I love it... Ohh.. Ohh. I love it... yes!

I do.  I love the rest of the video. Pete is loving life, enjoying every sound he had dreamed of her making. You can see his enjoyment turn to disbelief when she blurts out what he is imagining in his head....  WAIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS?.... You can almost see the disappointment in his face when he realizes what the F*** is actually going on, and he sees his whole night exploding faster than a Romanian immigrant on a slingshot... I gotta say, I feel bad for poor Peter, but I love watching his face go back and forth, somewhere between amusement and disbelief. I love it, oh, I love it, I love it.... it is incredible. At one moment everything around this guy is spinning, she's screaming, and he is as calm as if he is sitting on the couch at home and wants to have a talk about it.... He's probably just feeling a bit confused... and dirty.... Prostitution generally involves paying for your own orgasm, and he is trying to figure out where he stands legally, now that he just paid for someone else's.

Not a complete failure..... In some ways the night was a smashing success.... Optimistically, I think they DID ride tandem through a sexual barrier...  and if the relationship lasts, after her last "really crazy" statement, then he definitely knows what to get her for Christmas!... However, I don't think she is into talking about it right now... She probably just wants a cigarette, a towel, a wheel chair and a ride home.....  or a re-round.... and he knows it.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Baby, Baby, Baby.... Oooooooooooh??

Always good for a jaw dropper are some of the quotes coming out of the prepubescent pop princess Justin Bieber.... but the other day someone sent me a link to a website which had me laughing for hours... Who knows if this has any legitimate affiliation... I'm assuming that this is a Fansite, made by some obsessive 45 year old dude, who can type 95 wpm with one hand... but who would know better? I think the screenshot speaks for itself...


Do we really need to reply?.. It is TOO easy... I'm sure everyone out there just mouthed the same words in unison... A true Unonymous thought. and it probably sounded something like this.....


Dear Biebster, if you need a shotgun or Samurai sword just contact (beiberfever69) the old guy running your fansite. I'm sure he's got a few...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

F*ck the warranty?



A pic really is worth a thousand words... but it just so happens that you chose those to be the words that you felt described you most... First, I find it incredibly awesome... You don't look like a man of many words anyway, Which is why I'm giving you a big high five for the 3 you spelled out for us....

Second, let's look at all the things you didn't say, because you are already a walking billboard for how you feel on those subjects... Fuck the barber... Fuck Drug tests... Fuck hygiene.... Fuck Underwear... Fuck ever finding a girl who hasn't had a major amphetamine problem or multiple baby daddies... Fuck any sort of respectable job or employment in general... How about, Fuck Meteorologists..? Just for the fact that it was 90°+  when I took the pic and you still chose leather chaps and black attire... like you sweat pure golden testosterone and they should bottle that shit and sell it.... You, Boss, have now crossed the line from man to enigma... an enigma and a brand... a brand that had me chanting, "Fuck the Warranty" for days.

Now, I don't mean to second guess your judgement by any means... but don't you think that if you really felt that way, you wouldn't be stopped at the light patiently waiting for a little green arrow to tell you you can go?... Come on man... Fuck authority.... hit the damn throttle and blow that bitch off the line, like you just ripped off your oil soaked glove and bitch slapped the world in the face!... Ride it like the string of flashing lights collecting behind you is normal, and should escort you in a parade of masculinity, instead of trying to catch you... you have a brand to protect and a standard to uphold...

If you don't pick up the pace I might actually believe that you don't feel that way. That, in fact, you really baby the shit out of that old cruzer because that is all you have in life... and instead you try to hide it by spelling it out on a t-shirt, trying to convince everyone of your pseudo hard core attitude... Step it up Boss! Drive it like you don't care.... Stick your tongue down society's throat and ride that badass '87 Nighthawk like that warranty doesn't mean shit to you....  you know....  that same warranty that expired in '92 and doesn't mean shit to the dealership anyway.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mathmatics of the Samurai

I don't know what it is lately with the Internet but I have been running into a constant rash of one of my biggest pet peeves... I don't know if the Internet, being some sort of a parallel universe, has invited this idiotic behavior or just given an avenue for many to express what really goes on in their head...

Either way this shit has got to stop.... come back to earth.... the planet you live on, because we have rules here... scientific rules... the first being:

Samurai Sword = Fucking Douchebag

Let's be honest here, Rick.... I don't know if your name is Rick but to me you seem like a Rick... We all know you have never been to battle, and in the very small chance you have, I'm pretty sure that a 30" "Katana" blade you got at the state fair wasn't going to do shit for your survival.

Still, there it is proudly mounted on your living room wall right above your fish tank, "just in case" you may be attacked in the middle of the day by a clan of sword wielding oriental bandits... Yep, a clear sign to the whole world that you are not the Mother F*cker they want to mess with... A true Bad Ass just oozing with masculinity and sexual prowess.

A Samurai sword....? Seriously?  What the F*ck is it with guys and Samurai swords? This should be the universal symbol for, "I don't want you to take me seriously." Look, in any language you want me to speak, Klingon, Na'vi, C++.... we all know that if you have a Samurai sword you have spent an exorbitant amount of childhood, youth, even adulthood living in a false universe or gaming world that has caused you to play a role that has seriously warped your reality. 
I bet if you handed Helen Keller a samurai sword even she would fall out of her wheelchair silently laughing and make the universal sign for "Fucking Douchebag"..... Which is ironically done by making the shape of a samurai sword.

It really is that simple.... Rick, I know you don't like to be in our universe because you can't go flying around casting spells and banging princesses but we live here.... So let's draw some common ground.... You like Science Rick??? You know, black holes and shit?.... No, Death stars are more science fiction but this will give us a good base. Let's continue to scientifically explain this phenomenon, by skipping theoretical statement and proving this the way all things get proven in our universe... Math Proof.... I know, I know, we'll keep it really simple.... Let's do some fuckin math, Rick.


S=J

If we say S=sword and J=jean shorts than it is safe to say that according to universal law.. if you own a samurai sword then, you still own some jean shorts. In some cases J can also equal: reptile, large amount of fish, eye liner, karate suit or sea shell necklace.

 




if S=J and J≠P, Then S≠P
This leads us straight into our next equation on the mathematical checklist.... If you have a Samurai sword you most likely do not have a girlfriend.... or boyfriend.... and if you do, He/she likes Samurai swords or jean shorts and let's be honest...  There is something wrong with both of you, generally a congruent equivalence of geometric shape and size...  You both are just taking what you can get, into the downward spiral called a black hole of shame and embarrasment.





S+M < R or P
If you have a Samurai sword you have dreamt of having sex with, or masturbated to, a Japanese cartoon character. This gives you a Less than optimal chance for you to ever have any self respect or get any real P. This will cause the next equation......


S ≥ CK
If you have a Samurai sword, chances are greater than or equal to the fact that you have dreamed of taking it into work or school, and going Cobra Ki on your fellow students and co-workers. Because you realize that you SUCK and you masturbated to a cartoon.



f '(C)  f "(F)  f '''(K)  f ''''(Sp)                    f(s)=J
These fuctions also hold true for derivitives of the Samurai sword including: Chinese Stars, extraneous Firearms or ammunition, Knives, any self built devices which include knives, and Spells...  (dude, we know you've tried it.)







So Rick, Don't take my word for it.... That is the universe talking... like gravity. Until you can escape from these elementary laws of nature, you need to understand.... You are scientifically a Fucking Douche.





Monday, October 11, 2010

WSFT America?

Like every American who is worried about the direction of the country, economy, and world politics. I watch everyday the advances oversees. As these emerging countries play catch up, I watch them gain little by little, and I simply think WTF?

I always believed in America as the land of invention, hope, and freedom.... Until today.

They have now passed us Sarcastically, Comedically, and Achronymically....

Hail to China....


Friday, October 8, 2010

Postpartum.... it's a bitch.


This picture doesn't reek of postpartum at all. Totally normal.... and a fantastic idea that gives 'Baby blues" a whole new meaning....?
Sorry Darcy... (or should I say Darci) Just because you flunked out of craft class after you fucked up the polar fleece project and some how blindstiched your way into an extra armhole....don't try to play it off as intentional.
Look, we are all getting sick of hearing how you "love, love, love, being pregnant." We were all deeply saddened to hear about the whole trouble with your vagina thing.... but I think we may need to cut back on the Prozac.. I'm no Doctor, but isn't Postpartum only supposed to last 6-12 months.... For god's sake the kid is 6 years old!  Hell, we don't even know what sex it is.... He/she wants to be riding a bike to school.. not shoved up your fucking shirt.

Okay, okay..... Baby steps....(Ooops, ah, sorry)... but I think we can work our way out of this slowly. Let's make a deal.... How about you take baby Huey out of your shirt and you can still stick his head back through the hole to breastfeed.... See, now we're onto something... we're moving on. Maybe tomorrow we can get him signed into his Kindergarten class....

Here's our next battle... How about we turn off the TV while we work on the craft projects... I'm just sayin, something about the witch's brew of daytime Snuggie commercials, Entrepreneurial Oprah shows and happy pills just isn't mixing well... At least in this case.  While we are impressed that you convinced your husband of your idea, enough for him to run down to Costco and buy a nice camera for your promotional picture... We all know that HE has to live with you... and C'mon, no one enjoys pregnancy  "that much".  Anyone who says they do, actually just "loves, loves, loves" having a guilt free nine month excuse for not working out, eating the house, bigger tits, wearing "sweats" all day, and finally having a scape goat for the wild crying outbursts.

Listen, I'm speaking as your friend here, "your idea fucking sucks!"  Your husband knows you're crazy and is as embarrassed as I am for you right now,.... but he figures that a little help now will hopefully give you something else to do rather than talk to him about more babies and Oprah... God bless him.
... and god bless you.... can I say one more thing?.. and Darcii... I mean this as your friend..... Your haircut Fucking sucks. Next time tell your girl friend to turn off the Oprah and watch what she is doing because that "Mother meets State hospital look" isn't doing shit for your face... No wonder that Kid wants to hide under that blanket.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Let's shake on it

This morning I received a letter from someone who apparently deeply resents a rattling remark I made two days ago in a post. I guess this comment shook him up pretty good... So seeing that I am able to express freely the things on my mind, I feel it only equitable to allow today's post to belong to them, and in all fairness, I am including the letter which I received.

I hope our friendship can recover from this jittery start and hope someday we can shake on it...














Wednesday, October 6, 2010

See you in hell..

I experienced one of the most life changing websites I have ever seen today... It is called Jesus-with you always. Take a look now
On the site you must click on the home button and it takes you to a celestial gallery of a floridian artist named Larry Von Pelt... When you visit the gallery I guarantee you will spend as much time on it as I did, in uber amazment at the Pure gold that unfolds before your eyes....
I spent probably the first 15 minutes clicking on the different heavenly thumbnails and wondering what the hell was Larry thinking when he produced each one... I spent the next 30 minutes looking at each "picturesquely awkard" situation and wondering who the flying F&#k are these people and why the hell would they possibly being sharing a stunningly strange moment with the JC himself....
This is where it took off.. I have spent the last hour going over and over in my head, "what on earth would these people say?" or "what would the conversation in the picture look like?".... and... with the help of one of god's greatest creations, Photoshop.... I present you with a sampling of what has now become my newest addiction and will provide me with hours of comedic, as well as, ecclesiastical enjoyment for years to come... God bless you Larry Von Pelt.. you are truly a saint.













 Okay... Okay... I didn't change the last one at all... Do I really have to?.... It's a fucking clown! Look at the toddler. Even she knows this isn't right.... Poor little thing is stuck between a clown and some creepy white dude with stringy hair that claims to be the son of god.... I better stop. Anyway, god bless......... and i'll see you in hell.