Friday, October 8, 2010

Postpartum.... it's a bitch.

This picture doesn't reek of postpartum at all. Totally normal.... and a fantastic idea that gives 'Baby blues" a whole new meaning....?
Sorry Darcy... (or should I say Darci) Just because you flunked out of craft class after you fucked up the polar fleece project and some how blindstiched your way into an extra armhole....don't try to play it off as intentional.
Look, we are all getting sick of hearing how you "love, love, love, being pregnant." We were all deeply saddened to hear about the whole trouble with your vagina thing.... but I think we may need to cut back on the Prozac.. I'm no Doctor, but isn't Postpartum only supposed to last 6-12 months.... For god's sake the kid is 6 years old!  Hell, we don't even know what sex it is.... He/she wants to be riding a bike to school.. not shoved up your fucking shirt.

Okay, okay..... Baby steps....(Ooops, ah, sorry)... but I think we can work our way out of this slowly. Let's make a deal.... How about you take baby Huey out of your shirt and you can still stick his head back through the hole to breastfeed.... See, now we're onto something... we're moving on. Maybe tomorrow we can get him signed into his Kindergarten class....

Here's our next battle... How about we turn off the TV while we work on the craft projects... I'm just sayin, something about the witch's brew of daytime Snuggie commercials, Entrepreneurial Oprah shows and happy pills just isn't mixing well... At least in this case.  While we are impressed that you convinced your husband of your idea, enough for him to run down to Costco and buy a nice camera for your promotional picture... We all know that HE has to live with you... and C'mon, no one enjoys pregnancy  "that much".  Anyone who says they do, actually just "loves, loves, loves" having a guilt free nine month excuse for not working out, eating the house, bigger tits, wearing "sweats" all day, and finally having a scape goat for the wild crying outbursts.

Listen, I'm speaking as your friend here, "your idea fucking sucks!"  Your husband knows you're crazy and is as embarrassed as I am for you right now,.... but he figures that a little help now will hopefully give you something else to do rather than talk to him about more babies and Oprah... God bless him.
... and god bless you.... can I say one more thing?.. and Darcii... I mean this as your friend..... Your haircut Fucking sucks. Next time tell your girl friend to turn off the Oprah and watch what she is doing because that "Mother meets State hospital look" isn't doing shit for your face... No wonder that Kid wants to hide under that blanket.

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