Tuesday, October 19, 2010

...and I thought I was an asshole

Seriously, sometimes a picture is worth "one" word..... a thousand times.

After seeing this pic I don't know whether to kiss or punch the inconsiderate groomsman, who convinced the group that this was definitely the only action shot which could possibly describe their big day... When you've got the best man's ignition off and the park brake on for the photo, don't you choose a different idea?...
I mean, sure it is nice to include your buddy in the photo, but when 20% of the photo doesn't even work, there is a 100% chance that the Jumping genre might be a shitty idea.

Was it one of these numb nuts or the photographer, who really thinks they are going to print out the picture and give it to poor Robbie?... So he can hang it on his wall as a constant daily reminder that the shit just ain't going to happen.

Good for him to be a willing participant and choosing an exceptionally expressive pose for this celebratory situation..... Talk about going the "extra mile"... Do you even know how hard that is with no legs?

However, behind the joyful facade, if you really look , you can almost see Robbie's eyes saying, "I swear to god, if I could even feel my legs, I would put this lacquered loafer so far up your ass I'd be wearing your sphincter for a garter, Assholes".

By the looks of that golden wheelchair and posh backyard, it is obvious what Timmy brings to this friendship.... or more precisely, what Timmy's parents bring.
"Everybody....1...2...3... Pool party!"

You know these 5 weasels spent their entire spring band excursion planning out prom. The only thing missing was the venue.. In a callous move to finally get them a home field for the festivities, these woodwind wonders befriended Timmy, the handicap kid down the street, with the big house.

It was a flawless plan... Two birds with one stone type of shit... Because, as all guys know, every group of girls has a "large liability" that is kept around to make them all feel better about themselves...
So, like a cruel game of chess these boy banders set up the sacrificial move, and convinced their new friend Timmy "the pawn" into asking the "liability" out on the big date and hearding buffalo for the evening.

With the Venue secured and the Grenade covered, it was time to go down the checklist:  hair cut, rubbers, beer, trim the pubes, flower, matching outfits..... Fuck.... You're telling me that timmy can match his tie, braces elastics, and corsage to his wheelchair and some dipshit can't even get his shit together enough to get a matching shirt?

Looks like a bad start... or maybe Karma kicking in.... and it doesn't look like that train is slowing down anytime soon... because let's be honest, these dip shits pretended to be friends with a handicap kid... Strike one. They set him up with a fat chick... strike two.... And to top it off, these double douche nozzels chose to start out their night by taking a picture jumping into the air with mismatching outfits and a kid in a wheelchair.... Soooo fucking coool...

The only thing that makes me feel better about this picture is, knowing that their chair bound buddy will have the last laugh.... They will learn. The funny thing about women is....even without legs, Timmy is going to get more ass then all of them put together.... because once again... Timmy has rich parents.

Look, just because your mom told you to choose some well grounded friends.... You might not want to take that shit so literally... I don't know who to be more disappointed in here... The 8 bitches who knew this pic would not turn out well, or Two Ton Tina Thompson who didn't even give it a shot...

How disappointing...  I think I found myself cheering with Tina in the first pic.... It started so promising. So much hope, so determined.... and... Nothing.  Poor Humpty Dumpty gave it about as much effort as she did day 2 of the south beach diet....Nada???..  not even a half hurkey bent leg side kick...  As if she's saying, "look, all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't drag my ass from this spot, so fuck off!" 

We all know that every young girl leaves graduation thinking she is either Carey Bradshaw, or is going to blow a vampire. It is annoying. I often find myself wishing someone would take those girls by the hand and remind them that it's not all Cosmo hopes and Manolo dreams... I really appreciate the effort, Tiny, but I don't think pulling the girl's arm off next to you like a drumstick is going to solve much. Ouch... Just out of high school and this girl is already doomed to a life of crippling shoulder bursitis. Just because she made the unfortunate mistake of standing next to your silent stand in, on the celebratory jump pic.

Look Tina, I understand that these girls put you in the unfortunate position of documenting your less than stellar eating habits and horrible self control. However, Let each of these girls fall on their own. They will soon enough learn that life is not a wild stream novelesque experiences...  Let them go to college.  The magic of the vampires will quickly fade, and they will settle for blowing a few frogs that will turn into trolls. Soon after, they will shit out a litter of baby trolls and end up on your same loop of yo-yo diets and happy pills.

So, see, you are ahead of the pack, or herd....   In the mean time you may meet someone really nice with a few cats and an incredible samurai sword collection...  At least you won't have to blow a frog.

Well, except for that guy in the wheelchair you went to the prom with last year.

And I'm the Asshole..???

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