Racist apple pricks

Kudos to Apple for coming up with countless cutting edge applications for today's melting pot of global human ideas... However I think they may have overlooked something.. or are they trying to just have a good laugh at the expense of the dialectically challenged consumer?

Here is an example of the cold hearted humor of the Macintosh programmers... She was just a hard working foreigner who had the good idea of multitasking a heart felt advice chat while finishing up the clear coat on the last "mani-pedi" session of the day.... The bad idea was trying to use the hands free voice recognition option of a bigoted Apple product.

Azzhowlesz.



Mmmmm crabmeat

God bless Craigslist. Not only a useful tool for the everyday person... but it has provided an window into worlds I never would have guessed existed, nor could I even imagine... All of this, of course, provides the rest of the world with an endless cache of priceless entertainment.

Seriously, who could even make shit like this up?...

At first I saw the post and was a bit confused.... Is this guy's name Jo? Is "Jo on rails" a cool engineering nickname he gave himself?.. At first when I read the line about coming over and "Jo" in his model train room I thought it was just a poorly misplaced typo..... It was at that point I realized 2 things:
1-There is something to this "jo" expression, and
2- I was naively behind the times when it came to contemporary pornographic acronyms. The dude is probably named something more like "J"ACK... and this M*therf*cker is definitely "O"FF the rails.

Gotta hand it to the guy.... sorry...Ahhh.... gotta give this guy credit. He's ambitious, open minded, and definitely knows exactly what he likes...

Seriously, what series of tragic ingredients where all mixed together to make this guys fucked up soup d'jour?... This is either the most arbitrary mix of fetish seeking ideas, or Jack is some sort of fucking precision savant who could re site the phone book, but needs a HO scaled locomotive engine playing a game of "I think I can" up his rectum to get him started.

If I had to guess, I'd say ol' Jack isn't the laser focused type. I think he's got more of a shotgun approach to life. What makes me say that Jo Jack is grasping at proverbial straws?....
Let's look at a few of the cryptic clues: Maybe it's the confusion about having a homoerotic Godzilla blow his hot oversized lizard load all over the poor kids train set without hurting it..... Maybe it's the fact that Jack tends to aimlessly buy extraneous quantities of seafood without discretion.... The fact that Jack has sons in the first place, and is STILL asking some 70 year old male to come over for some mutual touching, role play, and quick game of rub and tug all over last year's Christmas gift, suggests that Jack is a bit complicated.

Let me help out and bring a little focus to the situation...
New flash Jack.... You're fucking gay... Maybe not gay in a "rainbow scarf and David Archuletta" kind of way, but more of a "I want to fondle a wrinkly set of hairy balls, with my face" sort of way... Look, I love the fact that you're a man with standards, but I think it may be time to come to grips with it. I really appreciate the invitation....You are one generous son of a bitch, and the truth is, you almost had me at "imitation crab meat"... But the image of being all alone in a house with you, when you just made room in the freezer really freaks me out.

I'm f*cking pumped

Am I pumped? F*ck yeah I'm pumped.
I'm not sure what it is about little people, a web cam and pop music, but it is an incredible mix that never disappoints..... Ever.

Lil' Sean really does take it to the next level... When he utters the words "dance party".... I would bet money the next word in your head sounded like,"YYYYEEEEEEEESSSS!"... maybe even, "HELL YEEEESSS!"
That's how it went for me too... The next thing through my head was the question, "doesn't a party generally involve more than one person, let alone half a person?"

As soon as those shoulders started moving I was hooked and about lost my mind when those arms started going into a "Kahuna double wave special".
Double wave??? Yeah, it's what they call it when your arms are bent back and forth in three different places and then you do the popular 80's dance move "the wave". Seriously, after seeing a waveset of that frequency, I thought the tide was coming in. I kept looking for some strings coming off of those arms because I felt like I was watching a really good puppet show.... either that, or an baby orangutan, every time he pulled off that clap move.... Awesome.

I know he said 3x's a day I need to get my "move on". Homework completed!..  I already watched mini marionette man hit that epileptic freak out to the chorus about 3x's..... and watching Lil'Sean's face as those figurine arms battle the beat, never gets old.
I got to say, he really gets those shoulders and arms moving.... So isn't it about time he starts moving those legs?

Ohhh..
Sean..... Sean...... C'mon now. Damn it... Look, you said YOU would laugh at it yourself. Life is too short.... Ahhh, or brief..... "Life is too brief to get all serious and not have a good time."



Look, he said it. Not me

Fine Art

I guess the good thing about having a blog is that every now and then you get some random visitors. Sometimes I wonder, who are these people and what similar interests do we have that would make them want to visit me?....  Question answered.

I present to you.... Aubrey Hope Photography... I claim no rights to these photos, and it looks like poor Michael should have done the same. It is definitely worth your time to click on the link. I only posted a couple fav's, but there are a bunch more of these dazzling doosies... I could spend an hour going over every perplexingly priceless detail in each photo, and trying to convince myself that this is truly not a joke.

With impeccable ideas and a strong artistic eye, it's hard to believe Aubrey is looking for work.... pure fucking gold.

I always love when people add sepia tone to their pictures as if it magically makes them fine art... This is classic proof that adding sepia to a stupid f*cking picture makes it a stupid f*cking picture with bad color........  and horrible taste.

Abstract, edgy, and risque..... you f*cking nailed it.

Look at Michael almost boastfully laughing at us...What's it gonna be?.... the fire arm or the physique, bitch? From any angle, he's definitely got this shit on lockdown... I'm sure every female reader is just dripping with moist admiration and envy... Hell, I might be a little tingly myself.... If I could just get over my sudden overwhelming sense of inadequacy.



Kudos to muscleupslc.blogspot


What do you say?

I'm lost.... What the hell do you say when your kid comes through the door with this? Well, I do know the first thing that would come out of my mouth,  "J...E...S...U...S...C...H...R.........???"

Hell, I wouldn't even know what I'm referring to.... Is it the miraculous detail of the air-filled crucifix which my daughter has spent 16 hours hours of her teenage life making? or, is it the fact that my daughter spent 16 hours solitarily making an ecclesiastical zeppelin, and is now taking it on it's maiden voyage around my living room?

How can you fault the girl? On the subject of good and bad, technically it's a good idea... Just really strange.. How can you tell this angel she will never be successful?... It's obvious she has more passion than Mel Gibson, busier fingers than Ellen Degeneres, and spends more time on her knees than David Copperfield....  It's great to have hero's... and it looks like she didn't f*ck around and went straight to the top... How do you try to explain that this is all just going to lead down a familiar path with her being crucified by her friends?.. Especially when you're the one that named her Christi.

OK... God bless this girl. I'm sure she is going to be a dream to raise, and a saint of a sister... However, Best case scenario... let's go over little Christi's options:
-Join the circus
-Join a convent
-Become a magician
-Write an e-book, "Born again balloon art - entertaining thousands with only 2 balloons and 5 breathes of air."

As a parent, these are probably not your initial ideas for a fabulously fulfilling life... So.... Do you deflate all her hopes and dreams by popping that prince of peace balloon braid, and hope she grows out of it?... If so, How do you go about it? Do you stick a pin in his palms?  Take a knife to the side?.... or just reverently entomb him in the garbage can outside? No one ever said being a parent was easy... and this is just a strikingly awkward situation.

Not quite as striking as the look on your face, when 3 days later she comes out of her room with a fully resuscitated, completely glorified version...... and says,"I forgive you".

You sinner....

HIPAA...... not in Europe

Might not want to watch this if you are squeamish... This one is guaranteed to make your butt pucker.

First of all,... Did this guy even read the small print on the release form?... You know, the part where it says something about the doctor and his whole staff using your misfortune and stupidity, to not only laugh their "professional" asses off, but to personally video record and broadcast your predicament over the Internet, for the whole world to enjoy....
You know, the standard shit.




I want to see the follow-up video.... I picture the same scene when this guy calls the office infuriated, and starts to complain. Every staff member is going to pull out their recorders, gather around the speaker phone and try desperately to hold it together when the doctor replies.... "C'mon... C'mon... Yanni, don't be such a stick in the ass.... I got your back.... Seriously, what crawled up your ass and died?"

You tell me

Well, is he? or isn't he?


Is the disproportionate head the result of some funhouse fisheye camera effect?... Are those toe rings or are they regular sized?... I like the kid and all his enthusiasm for Usher Raymond... However, I couldn't enjoy this heart felt lip synch rendition due to all of the unanswered questions in my head...

I finally thought I caught a break about 20 seconds in... When I realized that the chair behind him doesn't f*cking move...  This, of course, would leave him standing in front of the computer desk and dancing his nubby fingered heart out. .... and somehow that made it so much funnier. At last, I knew what was going on and I could enjoy the rest of the show..

Until I thought, "did he purposefully place the chair behind him as a distractionary disguise to make it look like he was "just" sitting down?.... or unlike Tom Cruz, has he fully embraced his elfish ways and he just got spontaneously caught dancing, because the DJ has him that much in love?".... We may never know.

Either way, you've got to give it to this kid.... If you can call a 35 yr old "kid"...... My only tip would be to practice that part featuring Pitbull's rap, so you don't look like you are alone in the car making mouth movements that don't match, because you forgot the words..... Or do something distracting during those forgotten lines.... maybe something that comes more natural....like juggling?